joke thread

[Edwina's Secretary]

Electric Chair

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all
immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[Edwina's Secretary]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is

essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you

describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched

his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

[gini]

THE MOMMY TEST


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ....I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be
the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

[captain]

- this one had me laughing for quite awhile!!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that "her body hurts, wherever she touches it."

"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming.
Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her scream.

Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[RICHARD]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

************************************************** *****************
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it; they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him. He's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Please help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!" the man
pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

GOOD HOUSEKEEPING

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something
closes the door from the inside.

If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

Never make fried chicken in the nude.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

Simplify... hire a maid.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee
table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

[anna_66]

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

[anna_66]

Sad News

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how
much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Do! ugh, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


_________________________________________________


ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER .....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[anna_66]

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I
tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing
and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:


"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
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Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife,

"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

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Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why is wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man
before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug. So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

A Matter Of Outlook

She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Roger and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to
renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing
the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a
traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was
planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had
to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, Roger chimed in, "Yep silver - - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at Roger's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So Roger, I guess you are going barefoot."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She
found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem.

I bought myself a new very sophisticated vibrating hair remover for
which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the
declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at
customs. Do you think you could take it through customs for me?"

"Child, I would be too embarrassed to declare and item like that!"

The young lady then said, " Couldn't you hide it under your cassock?

Then no one would ever know." "Of course I could, my child, but you
must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The
aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father,
do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son", he replied.

Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
destined for use and entertainment by women, but which has never been
used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead
Father...... Next!"