joke thread

[trayi52]

Captain, I made several of my daughters boy friends fill that form out. I rejected all applications, LOL. Kept telling them, wrong answers, your application is rejected. I think Lins boy friends hated me for that. Lin just laughed about it. She thought it was so funny.

[trayi52]

60 Things NOT To Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

[trayi52]

BABY AFTER BABY

In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can
see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the
doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think
there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that
lantern up, don't set it down - there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no!
Don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet
another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[trayi52]

"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on
fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister -
right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far
away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the
machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm
pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast
to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and
still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps,
the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly,
she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out
the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going
to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear
from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE
in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my
lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What
would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am,"
he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's
the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to
relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my
backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I
figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
The end.
Hope you all laughed as much as I. Now, ladies, get those mammograms but
be prepared.

[trayi52]

QUIRKY QUOTES......
>
> These were sent to me with no credit given to who said them
> but they are really good ones!!! My apologies to the authors.....
>
> "I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There
> was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
> myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise.
> I paid myself. Then I quit."
>
> "I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here,
> Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move
> at all."
>
> "I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals
> 1 mile. It's sure is hard to fold."
>
> "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.
> I think I've forgotten this before."
>
> "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
> Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday,
> I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
>
> "My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made
> a couple mistakes."
>
> "I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.
> It was in the shape of a house."
>
> "The other day I was in a WalMart. I saw a sign that said
> "pet supplies". So I did.
> Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars,"
> but I didn't."
>
> "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what
> it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and
> I say, "I think I might have written that."
>
> "I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
> thinks he can get me three to five."
>
>FRIVOLOUS FILLERS.....
>
> "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance,
> waiting to get into the bathroom."-- Bob Hope--
> ~~~~~~
> Spouse [noun]; A person who will stand by you through
> all of the trouble that you wouldn't have had if you had
> stayed single.
> ~~~~~~
> You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
> say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
> "No, it's for company!"
> ~~~~~~
> Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
> but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of
> chocolate cake.
> ~~~~~~
> Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize
> you haven't fallen asleep yet.
> ~~~~~~
> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people
> will ever have.
> ~~~~~~
> Never do card tricks for the guys you play poker with.
> ~~~~~~
> The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
> And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^** ^**^**^**^**^**^**
>

[amoore]

Funny Willie!

[Miss Meow]

> A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather
> man named Rudolf.
>
> He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the
> Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected
> him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at
> predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the
> prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was
> approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife
> lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and
> prepare for the worst.
>
> After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at
> the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction
> was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she
> said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud
> anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact,
> that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever
> had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't
> going to rain.
>
> He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it
> was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his
> Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about.
> She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
>
> They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to
> bed mad at each other.
>
> During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit
> the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning
> when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and
> saw all the water that had fallen that night.
>
> "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
>
> His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I
> want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
>
> To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

[trayi52]

* Convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

* Gas Station: "Eat Here. Get Gas."

* Department Store: " Our Credit Manager is Helen Wait. If you want credit go to Helen Waite."

* Headline - Strike Continues: "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"

* Classified Ad: Three month old puppies for sale. Half lab / half neighbor's sneaky dog

* Bulldog for sale: Eats anything. Very fond of children.

* Maternity ward: "No children allowed."

* Bakery Truck: "Bimbo Bakery: We got some hot buns."

* Restaurant: "Try our chowder -- it's thick and rich, just like the boss!"

* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." "We butter our buns for you." * News Headline: "Autos Killing 110 a Day -- Let's Resolve to Do Better"

* Stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."

* Restaurant Sign: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

* New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

* New Orleans restaurant Menu: "Blackened bluefish"

* Men's Clothing Store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

* Propane Company: "Got Gas?"

* Exterminator: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." We butter our buns for you."

* Rib Restaurant: "If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down."

* Newspaper Headline: "Patient At Death's Door -- Doctors Pull Him Through"

[trayi52]

This just cannot be true, but it is funny!!

This is from a radio program, a true report
of an incident that happened in Michigan.

A man buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator
for $42,500 with $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter,
and of course, in Michigan all the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the lake
with their guns, a dog, and the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind
of a natural landing area for the ducks;
something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look
like something a wandering duck would fly
down and land on, it is going to take a
little more effort than an ice hole drill. So,
out of the back of the brand new Navigator
comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40
second fuse.
These two rocket scientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the
stick of dynamite on the ice at a location
far from where they and the new Navigator
are standing, because they don't want to
take the risk of slipping on the ice when
they run from the burning fuse and possibly
go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw
the dynamite. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the guns, and a DOG?
Let's talk about the dog: a highly trained
black lab used for RETRIEVING!
Especially things that are thrown by the
it's master. You guessed it! The dog takes
off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice
and captures the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40 second fuse about the time it
hit the ice. The two men yell, scream,
wave their arms and wonder what to do
now. The dog, cheered on, comes
bounding happily toward the men.

One of the guys grabs a shotgun and shoots
the dog. The shotgun is loaded with
birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a full
grown Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused, but continues
on. Another shot, and this time the dog,
still on his feet, becomes really confused
and of course terrified, thinking these two
geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes
off to find cover....under the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to yell as they run.

The exhaust pipe on the Navigator is still
hot, so the dog yelps, drops the dynamite
under the truck, and takes off after his
master. Then ... BOOM ... the Navigator
is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake in a very large hole, leaving the
two idiots standing there with this 'I
can't really believe this happened' look on
their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking
a vehicle in a lake during illegal use of
explosives is not covered.

The owner had yet to make the first of
those $560 a month payments!

And Yankees laugh at, make fun of and
say that Rednecks are dumb Southerners,
well who is driving their truck and who
wishes they had a truck !

[trayi52]

Oh, take a look at the attachment! See why I don't want to eat Frog Legs??

[Twisterdog]

This just cannot be true, but it is funny!!

Oh, I'm quite SURE it can be true! No doubt about it!

[trayi52]

Twisterdog, that is funny

[slick]

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....


Misdewiener..........

[trayi52]

Slick, practice makes perfect, so she needs to practice, practice , and practice some more!!!! Sister was just a natural at it, but she may have to work at it.

[amoore]

Sipoweitz says, that picture made him feel pain!