joke thread

[captain]

Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.


"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.


"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".


Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."


The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied,








"They're Carols".

[trayi52]

Rules For Buying Gifts For Men




Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.
Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.


Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything
for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle
of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.


Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And
never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God
had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.


Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace
the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot
of money buy your man a big-screen TV with PIP.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.


Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.
If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.
Real men drink whiskey or beer.


Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink
- they are earthy.


Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers.
Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.


Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day
and he will always have parts left over.


Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sears' Clearance Centers< are also excellent
men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something
I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."


Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with
a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"


Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However,
he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective
of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.


Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.


Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.


Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says
love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
No one knows why.

[trayi52]

Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) !)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and
close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now
don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and
retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as
neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door
and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and
retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face,
as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly
wrapped
present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap
the
darn thing for you.

[trayi52]

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
-----------------------------------
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are
out of the question.

#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that
he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he
hears "You've Got Mail".

#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98 or Windows XP.

[slick]

Tray, those are priceless.........

I just can't compete with those.

[trayi52]

Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studied
for, and you are going to fail the class anyways!



Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.


Bring cheerleaders.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Bring pets.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

[popcornbird]

Wow.......I just noticed that I made this thread 1 1/2 year ago...........18 long months ago..........and its still up on the first page. Wonder how long it will stay up! I was a total newbie when I made it.............had been here for less than 2 weeks! LOL

Tray, your jokes are great! I'm getting a good laugh out of them!

[trayi52]

I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!!


Feel free to print this out for your own personal use!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

Name:________________________ Date of Birth:_________________
Height:_________ Weight:__________ IQ:_________ GPA:__________
Social Security #:___________ Driver's License #: Number:_______
Boy Scout Rank:_________________ Telephone:___________________
Home Address:__________________________________________ ____
City:__________________________ State:__________ Zip:___________

1. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:

2. Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____

4. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

5. Do you have a tattoo? ____

If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue
application and leave immediately.

6. In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?

7. In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter
mean to you?

8. In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?

10. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
How often do you attend: ____________________________

11. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father
and priest/rabbi?__________________________

12. Please fill in the blanks:

a. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want
wounded would be my ____________________________


b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would
be my_____________________________

c. A woman's place is in the ____________________________


d. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is
______________________________

e. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is______________________________

Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave
premises--keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

13. What do you want to be if you grow up?



I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of
my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment,
torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.

Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in
writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't
call me, I'll call you.

[CatDad]

Originally posted by trayi52
I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!!

That is great, I would have loved to have been there when you gave it to them.

[G.P.girl]

lol you have really good jokes trayi! i don't know any so i'll just stick to reading yuors!

[AvaJoy]

I'm so glad this joke thread is still going strong after so long! Great idea, Popcornbird!

Super additions, trayi52 . . .

A man strolling through the woods comes across another man hugging a tree with his ear pressed firmly against the bark. He inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You've got to be kiddin' me!"

"No, I'm not . . . why not give it a try?"

So the curious guy wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up to the bark. The other man quickly handcuffs his wrists, steals his watch, wallet, car keys and strips him naked before leaving.

A few hours pass, when another nature lover comes upon the handcuffed victim. "What the hell happened to you?" asks the hiker.

The handcuffed man proceeds to tell him the whole story, after which the man shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,

"This just ain't your day."

[AvaJoy]

I shall seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan

I will make you beg for mercy . . . beg me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,

THE FLU


{Just a reminder to get your flu shots, all!}

[trayi52]

AvaJoy,
Those were great, I love jokes!!! I am a sucker for them.

tray

[trayi52]

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM

Everyone say it with me...

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I
am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program
in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old.
He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT
ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-
mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.


12. And finally, I will not let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend.


Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

[captain]

Trayi - I loved the application form ........ gonna print that out!

AND

The 12 rules of forwarding! Soooooo true, just wish some of my friends knew that already!!!