joke thread

[Former User]

[Toby's Mommy]

I have a few blonde jokes here are some of them. No Offense to the blondes!!
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
She called me to get my phone number, She spent 20 min. looking at the orange juice box because it said "Concentrate",
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind,
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order,
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it, She tried to drown a fish,
She thought a quarterback was a refund, She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death,
She triped over a cordless phone, She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept,
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store,
She studied for a blood test, She thought MeowMix was a mixed CD for Cats,
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "air port left" she turned around and went home,
I hope you all liked my jokes!!

[Pam]

Just got these today in an e-mail.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[Miss Meow]

> 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
>
> 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
>
> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
>
> 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>
> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .what? .... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>

[Miss Meow]

A woman stands looking in the bedroom mirror for what seems like an eternity and then turns to her husband who is sitting behind her.

She says - " I'm horrible and fat and ugly !!! Pay me a compliment to cheer me up "

He says - " Your eyesight's spot on "

[captain]

Miss Meow, I Love this one ........... I got it a few months ago, and it makes me ROTFL everytime ..

Originally quoted by Miss Meow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

[RICHARD]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a
substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some
collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and
perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds
the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use
this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)

(are you sure?)

(you're gonna hate me!)







The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[Miss Meow]

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

[captain]

NO RICHARD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AmberLee]

** What The New Job-Lingo Really Means **

** JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.

** CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

** MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

** SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

** DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

** MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.

** CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).

** NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.

** SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

** PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a
company in perpetual chaos.

** REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

** GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

[isis]

I don't know if anyone posted this one,well here's another Blonde joke:

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

[gini]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Edwina's Secretary]

A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room."

[Edwina's Secretary]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs that?

"HELLOOOOooooo," answered the blonde. "They are watch dogs!!!!"

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

This ones kinda gross, but it's funny....

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''