joke thread

[RICHARD]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a
substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some
collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and
perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds
the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use
this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)

(are you sure?)

(you're gonna hate me!)







The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[Miss Meow]

THE PARKING TICKET

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

[captain]

NO RICHARD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AmberLee]

** What The New Job-Lingo Really Means **

** JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.

** CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

** MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

** SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

** DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

** MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.

** CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).

** NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.

** SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

** PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a
company in perpetual chaos.

** REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

** GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

[isis]

I don't know if anyone posted this one,well here's another Blonde joke:

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

[gini]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Edwina's Secretary]

A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room."

[Edwina's Secretary]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs that?

"HELLOOOOooooo," answered the blonde. "They are watch dogs!!!!"

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

This ones kinda gross, but it's funny....

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.

After hesitating, they all did it.

''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''

[Foam]

Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'

[Pam]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting
at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
---
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
---
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
---

[Former User]

[Former User]

cute!

[Former User]

LOL

[Former User]

nice jump