joke thread

[anna_66]

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

[ChrisH]

[popcornbird]

LOL Anna! Where do you find all these great jokes?

[AmberLee]

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories....

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up truck and we hit a big bump in the road.

The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good" said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks.

And the moral to that story is don't count your chickens before they are hatched." "That was a fine example, Tammy."

Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

--------------------
#2

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very
simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were
getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

What to say to phone solicitors who call to sell you credit cards,
vacation packages, etc.:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical
examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call
back a little later?

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has
run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the
best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now.
Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry
now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better
business people said I need more positive identification to file
my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone
number...

[AvaJoy]

Sorry if this is too risque:

A six year old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I woke up to this thumping noise coming from your bedroom and when I went to see what it was you were sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why were you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and replies, "Your Dad is overweight, and I am trying to get him back down to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting you time."

The Mother asks, "Why is that, dear?"

The kid says, "Because, in the morning after you leave for work that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows Daddy right back up again!"

[anna_66]

Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One
summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the
back yard after dinner.

One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."
She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20
minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the
fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye
and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've
had to rest all day."

[anna_66]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True story:
A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought
myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I
went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for
the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he
started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this
but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to
get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one,
he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one
then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and threw it
in the bin and walked away.
Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so
nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and
my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet
of biscuits I had bought.
I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!

[captain]

hee hee hee .... loved the biscuit one!!!

[anna_66]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

[AmberLee]

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

11. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

12. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

17. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!

21. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

[AmberLee]

*bump*

[gini]

The blond said,

"I was so worried that the mechanic would rip me off when I went into the service station.

I was so relieved to find out that all I needed was turn signal fluid."