joke thread

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."

LMMFAO!!!!!


does god still watch the cowboys thru the hole in the roof of texas stadium???

[Tanya&Fritz]

Little Tommy Can't Find The Bathroom

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

[anna_66]

Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break
all sales records with his "like new" models.
A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free
With Each Car."

A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot
with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into
the country. He parked, gave her a couple of
preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her
ear.

She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that
when you bought this car."

[anna_66]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

[anna_66]

Kids Pray

I love kids letters about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer.
When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this
prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I
could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and
forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good
laugh over this and the memory still remains in my heart.

Groton, Mass.
My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary,full of
grapes."

Missoula, Mont.
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father,who art in
Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, Ohio.
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly
bread."

Oak Harbor, Wash.
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

Grand Junction, Colo.
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into
temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get
into trouble.



During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was
speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble
controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the
congregation, "I apologise for crying so much. I'm usually
not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's
okay. We like big boobs."

[ChrisH]

Oh, Anna, those are all so funny! Thanks!

Chris

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry
voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number
before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his
neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have
a dog."

[gini]

Anna, your joke reminded me of a personal story. We were vacationing and staying in a Condo. Someone kept calling us at 1 AM - 2 AM and on.......saying our television was too loud.

Each time, we were sound asleep. I sure wish I would have seen your joke then. I would have done exactly that!!

[anna_66]

Glad you liked it

[AvaJoy]

Barking Dog was a great one, Anna!

[popcornbird]

Bump

[anna_66]

[Cincy'sMom]

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We
are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And
the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was
pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are
loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they
are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And
God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was
happy.

And Cat didn't give a s*&t one way or the other.

[anna_66]

That was a good one Amy