joke thread

[delidog]

he "f" word

There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use ... they are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

 2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton,
1999

 And ... drum roll .

 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin
Laden, 2001

[AvaJoy]

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.


Man Says To God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God's Reply: "So you would love her."

Man: "But God, why then did you make her so dumb?"

God: "So she would love you."

[ellensy]

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica
to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the
three women who entered the race were a blonde, a
brunette, and a redhead. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the
fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place
finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally
came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the
worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why
it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

[Edwina's Secretary]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Buffalo, NY, the snow capital of
> > the U.S.
> >
> > One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
> > announcer
> >
> > say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must
> > park your
> >
> > car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
> >
> >
> > through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
> >
> >
> >
> > A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
> > says, "We
> >
> > are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
> > the odd
> >
> > numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
> > Norman's wife
> >
> > goes out and moves her car again.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
> > announcer
> >
> > says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
> >
> > park...........", then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife
> > says,
> >
> > "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just
> > leave it
> >
> > in the garage this time?"

[Edwina's Secretary]

READ VERY SLOWLY - IT SOMETIMES TAKES A WHILE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE BUT THEY ARE RATHER
CLEVER!!

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

And my favorite: Subdued ...like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

[Cincy'sMom]

A guy goes into a bar with his dog to watch the Detriot Lions game. Bartender tells him, sorry no dogs allowed. Guys begs him, "Please, man! My TV is broke and I am a HUGE Lions fan! I have to see the game" BArtender finally gives in the the man and his dog sit down at the bar. Detroit gets 1st down the dog is struting up and down the bar, giving hi-5's shakin hands. The crowd loves it! Bartender says" That's preety cool! What does he do when they score"

Guy relpies, "I don't know. I've only had the dog for 5 years!"

[AvaJoy]

On Christmans morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid,"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop replies, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[anna_66]

A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."



There was a lady who had triplets. Shut up, Be quiet, and Trouble. One day she told the boys to go buy her some milk from the store. They set off. When they got there the walked around looking for the dairy section. Somewhere along the line a big mob of people came and Trouble got lost. Shut Up and Be Quiet went to a police officer that was buying some bread.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Since Shut Up was not cooperating he asked Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: (really getting irritated) Are you guys looking for trouble?
Shut up and Be quiet: YES, YES, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

[Nomilynn]

Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She
would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or
"Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and
Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for
dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided
to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he
really likes.

In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her
husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner,
it's there waiting.

[apcrs5122]

There was a man who wanted to get his wife something exotic for her birthday. He decided to get her a parrot as she had always wanted one. He went to the pet shop looking for one. He asked the employe if they had any parrots that talked. The employe showed him a beautiful makaw that sung songs when a lit matche was placed under either foot. He decided to buy it. As soon as the wife saw it she fell in love."But wait, it does tricks!" the man exclaimed. He took a match and lit it and placed it under the bird's left foot. It started to sing "Jingle Bells". He moved the match to the right foot and the bird started singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". Finally he took the match and put it between the birds legs. The bird sang "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire".

[anna_66]

Kids Advice on Love and Marriage

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE
TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom." (Judy, 8)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS
SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and a VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding.' (Darby,7)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
OR MARRIED??

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE
TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE
IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS
OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS
ABOUT LOVE

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES
NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE
A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo,9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO
ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine , 9)

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO
KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8)

[Cookiebaker]

There were 3 men who immigrated to the US. They got off the boat and each set out to learn English.

The first guy goes into a music store and he learns to say "me me me meeeee"

The second guy goes into a silver store and learns to say "forks & knives, forks& knives, forks & knives"

And the third guy goes into the candy store and learns to say "goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"

So they meet together at the end of the day and are walking down the street, when they come to a dead man laying in the road. They are horrified!

All of a sudden, a police officer comes running up. "Who killed this man?"

The first man says, "me me me me me"

The cops shouts "What did you kill him with?"

The second man says, "forks & knives, forks & knives, forks & knives."

The cop couldn't believe that they were so blatant about it, so he said, "You know you have to go to jail for this, don't you?"

The third man replies, "Goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"

[Tanya&Fritz]

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[AmberLee]

MONEY





It can buy a House...............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

It can buy you a Position......But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health

It can buy you Blood............But not Life

It can buy you Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away

your pain and suffering..............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

Thought this was gonna be one of those

"inspirational" ones, didn't you????

[ChrisH]