joke thread

[Tanya&Fritz]

Originally posted by delidog
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

I can't stop laughing at this one!

[delidog]

it was the best i've seen in awhile!!!!!

hope that Miss Meow and Captain see it!!

[AmberLee]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

[delidog]

Amber Lee,
That is classic!!!!
I love it!!!!!

heres' a little blonde joke for you:

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much
luckier
when I'm completely nude.
" With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then
picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I
thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

[delidog]

>Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had
>several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight
>or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
>
>Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform
>well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took
>an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny
>bells and attached them to his roosters.
>
>Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell,
>from a distance, which rooster was performing.
>
>Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
>efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
>
>Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine
>specimen he was, too.
>
>But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that
>Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
>
>Zeb went to investigate.
>
>The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-
>ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
>would run for cover.
>
>BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his
>beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>do his job and walk on to the next one.
>
>Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the
>county fair.
>
>Brewster was an overnight sensation.
>
>The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize
>but also the Pulletsurprise.

[LoudLou]

COMPUTER HICK

LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits tha farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in tha winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE; Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats tha grain in tha barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask.

[LoudLou]

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ..
it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
SALVADOR DALI: Fish
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmm - Chicken

[delidog]

Mr. Louie!!!
You sure do find some Rib Ticklers!!!!

[AmberLee]

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL....

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.

[delidog]

Go AMber lee!!!!
You do find the best funnies,don't you?!?!?

[anna_66]

In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away
when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a
mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The
office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's
yearly vaccine.

"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come
on his own?"

[AmberLee]

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (I can't even get anything going in my hibachi with gasoline and a flame thrower.)

15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL AmberLee

[delidog]

Still Laughing!!!!
You are finding the Really good ones!!!

[AmberLee]

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a big ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!