joke thread

[Former User]

A Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." The boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[gini]

Oh my, let me see if I can remember how this joke goes..........

A lady decides to join the monastary. She is advised that she will not be allowed to speak - but only to silently pray.

After she has been in the monastary for five years the head Monk calls her into his office. He tells her that she can say two words.

She says "hard bed."

He is surprised, but says that he wasn't aware of this and would do something about it.

After ten years in the monstary she is called in again into the head Monk's office and once more she is allowed to speak two words.

She says "cold food."

The head monk again is shocked, but replies that he will look into it.

After fifteen years she is called upon once again and is given her two words.

She says "I quit."

The head Monk looks at her and says "you know, it is just as well, all you have done since you have been here is bitch."

[anna_66]

Those are great Niina & Gini!

[AmberLee]

The Perfect Dress
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

......Now what woman wouldn't like this story?!

[gini]

Pauline, what a great joke!! Now that my niece is happily married with no "dress" mishaps (or step-mother either), I will share this with her.

[anna_66]

A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town, takes a seat
at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next to him.
"Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender. Then he turns to
his dog and asks, "What would you like?"

"You can bring me the same," the dog says. "And I'd like mine very
cold, please."

The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard. "A
talking dog?" he asks.

"Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing
special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just started
talking."

"What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender thinks
to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give you $50 for
him."

"No," says the ventriloquist. "The little fellow loves me very
much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."

"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.

"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."

"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.

The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says, "OK,
he's yours."

The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to the
ventriloquist. In the door, the ventriloquist turns to the dog and
says with great sadness in his voice, "So long, old friend."

"Old friend, my foot!" the dog says. "Is this the way humans pay
for love and fidelity? I'll never say another word!"

With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

[anna_66]

Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high, steep hill and they start going down it very fast. The guy driving says "Oh my god! The brakes don't work!" and the guy in the passenger seat says "don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."

[AmberLee]

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But, unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[AmberLee]

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators> would be dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

[AmberLee]

Bits of Wisdom

***************************
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

***************************

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

***************************

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

***************************
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

**************************

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[AmberLee]

You know you're living in the 02's when:

1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you THINK about forwarding it to your "friends".

[AmberLee]

Martha Stewart vs Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up".
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[anna_66]

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine
unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a
possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building
ajar.

He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and
seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the
building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and
backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

Then he noticed the sign on the building:

"Veterinarian's Office."

[ellensy]

hehehehe LOL Anna

[delidog]

> This is from maintenance logs of Qantas: Never let it be said that
ground
> > crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
> > maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action
recorded
> > by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never
> > had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the
> > log,and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> > S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on backorder.
> >
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane;
> > the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > P: Radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > S: Cat installed.
>