joke thread

[anna_66]

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceeding the exam and doing the following
practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.
EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 A.M. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie
comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask friend to slowly back the car up until
your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Switch sides, and
repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a total stranger into the room. Have the stranger press the bookends together as hard as he/she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared! And just another thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with "MEN"?
And when we have REAL problems, it's a HISterectomy!

P.S.
Don't forget to make that annual appointment with your "GUY"necologist!

[anna_66]

Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and
the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull
up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly
glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to
the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater a and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or
perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...A whole new definition of being "pissed off"!!!

[ellensy]

[AvaJoy]

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and then welcome him. After a few holes the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living, so they ask him. The stranger replies that he is a hitman. They all laugh, but the guy insists that this is his occupation, and mentions that a gun is in his golf bag. He says that he carries it everywhere, and that they are welcome to take a look if they wish. Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and sure enough there is a rifle with a huge scope. Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through this scope! May I look??" The hitman gives him the O.K. so Jack looks and says, "Yeah! I CAN see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom! There's my wife . . . but wait . . . what the heck is my next door neighbor doing with her in our bedroom!? . . . AND he's . . . NAKED!!! This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies that his fee is $1,000.00 every time he pulls the trigger. Jack decides that he will buy two hits. "I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the groin, just for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for??"

The hitman replies, "Relax . . . I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

[anna_66]

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

[ChrisH]

LOL good one Anna!

[Pam]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

[anna_66]

LOL Good one Pam, thanks for the laugh this morning!

[anna_66]

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

[ChrisH]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo-doo now." (He was an Irish setter) Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[Pam]

This just came in an e-mail and I thought I'd share - I am hoping that Kitty went in there willingly!

[ChrisH]

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[DogMania]

I don't like this idea. It just takes up more room on the boards. Every single day i see it and i hate it i would just like to delete it alltogether...

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by Pam
...I am hoping that Kitty went in there willingly!

If he/she is anything like Cassy or Livvy, he/she did! My fur-kids LOVE boxes.

[anna_66]

Originally posted by DogMania
I don't like this idea. It just takes up more room on the boards. Every single day i see it and i hate it i would just like to delete it alltogether...

If you don't like it, just don't click on it, then you won't have to worry about it