joke thread

[ellensy]

haha, funny, nothing better than a good laugh in the middle of the night! Keep 'em coming.

[Edwina's Secretary]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...

I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...... so I did.


We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy........'

And here I am."

Blond men do exist!!!!

[Tanya&Fritz]

Another day at the White House


A re-telling of the old Abbot & Costello skit "Who's on First? - updated and just hilarious!
We take you now to the Oval Office.......

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China

George: Great. Lay it on me

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China

George: That's what I want to know

Condi: That's what I'm telling you

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes

George: I mean the fellow's name

Condi: Hu

George: The guy in China

Condi: Hu

George: The new leader of China

Condi: Hu

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East

Condi: That's correct

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No

Condi: You don't want Kofi

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

Condi picks up the phone......

Condi: Rice here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[mugsy]

A flight has been delayed and passengers are lined up waiting to be rerouted when an angry passenger pushes past everyone in the line and slams his ticket on the counter and demands, " I NEED to be on THIS plane and in first class!."

The ticket agent says, "Sir, I'd be happy to help you, but you need to return to the line."

The man retorts," You don't seem to understand...do you KNOW who I AM?"

Without missing a beat the ticket agent picks up the microphone and announces to the terminal, " There is a man at window 24 who doesn't seem to know who he is. Anyone who can help him identify himself, please report to window 24."

By this time the entire line is in hysterics and the man, furious, and turning beet red, flips off the ticket agent.

Again, without missing a beat, the ticket agent responds, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to wait in line for that too."

[anna_66]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."

*************************************************
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[anna_66]

YAAAAA Christmas is coming!

[ellensy]

hehe

[anna_66]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just thought this was so cute! I know a while back we were talking about this.

[ellensy]

LOL

i agree w/ the teenage stuff......

[AmberLee]

SIGNS ON CHURCH MARQUEES:

1. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1 ."
2. "Under same management for over 2000 years."
3. "Soul food served here."
4. "Tithe, if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
5. "You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."
6. "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
7. "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
8. "We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks."
9. "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
10. "Come early for a good Back-seat."
11. "Life has many choices; Eternity has two. What's yours?"
12. "Worry is - interest paid on trouble before it is due."
13. "A man's character is like a fence.
It cannot be strengthened by whitewash."
14. "Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
15. "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
16. "Delay is preferable to error."
17. "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
18. "What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
19. "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
20. "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
21. "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
22. "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
23. "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
24. "May is God's apology for February."
25. "To belittle is to be little."
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in
you."
27. "God answers knee mail."
28. "Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you
back."

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

Why Americans Shouldn't Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[ChrisH]

ROFL
Oh, Anna, those are so good! Thanks for brightening up my Saturday!

[anna_66]

Your welcome Chris!

[ellensy]

heeheehee