joke thread

[AmberLee]

Cat Haiku

Small, brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold -
Elevator butt!

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Want to go outside.
Oh no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for cup hockey!

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion & sound, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore me
sitting on your hands.

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.



Dog Haiku

I am your best friend.
Now, always, especially
when you are eating.

I sound the alarm!
Mailman come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

· When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
· For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby and then back to the stage, at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
· Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

[AmberLee]

The following warning was issued because of recent high water in the low areas of Texas and Louisiana.

STATES ISSUE WARNING...

Louisiana and Texas Gulf Coast Residents

ATTENTION: Golfers, Hikers, Hunters and Fishermen

Due to the current high water situation, the Louisiana & Texas Dept. of Wildlife and Fisheries is advising hunters, fishermen, hikers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators in Calcasieu, Cameron, Jeff Davis, and Allen parishes in La. and Jefferson and Orange counties in TX.

They have advised people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing as to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL AmberLee

[AmberLee]

Excuses for Missing Work

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
-- Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:
--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

[AmberLee]

The Brits have much to teach us when it comes to truly deadly putdowns...
(The form used for Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from "206s")

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

[AmberLee]

Human Resources

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy guide for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.

At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

· If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
· If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
· If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
· If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
· If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
· If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
· If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
· If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
· And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

[AmberLee]

EXCUSES WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB
----------------
- "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

- "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

- "I was working smarter -- not harder."

- "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

- "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

- "I'm in the management training program."

- Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

- "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.

- Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

- "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

- "The coffee machine is broke ... "

- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

- "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

- "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

- "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Waltons.)"

- "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

[AmberLee]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[AmberLee]

How to screw up an interview

The top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were surveyed for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here are some of their true, yet ludicrous tales:

1."... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2."She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3."A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4."... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

5."Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

6."When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

7."... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

8."While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

9."During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

10."A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

11."His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

12."... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

13."Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

14."... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

15."Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

16."Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

17."Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

[AmberLee]

Résumé Bloopers



Learn from the mistakes of others: Here are a few examples of what not to include on your job application. ...


"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voicemanil."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

[AmberLee]

Real Signs:

· Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
· Maternity Clothe Shop: We are open on Labor Day
· Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
· On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
· On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
· Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
· Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
· Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
· Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
· Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
· Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
· Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome Dog food is expensive
· Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
· Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary We'll hear you coming
· Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people
· Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
· Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left
· Veterinarian's: Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes Sit! Stay!
· The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
· Beauty Shop: Dye now!
· Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
· Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
· Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
· Bowling Alley: Please be quiet We need to hear a pin drop
· Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria--Socks can eat any place they want
· Music Library: Bach in a minuet
· Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait
· Gynecologist window: At your cervix
· Travel Agency: Please Go Away

[AmberLee]

Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined
- from various sources

- - - - -
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen."

Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

[AmberLee]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as a common driver's license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite.....

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Those are good AmberLee.... I am gonna have to print the hormone hostage out to give to my husband.... he is a REALLY GOOD husband but ALWAYS tends to be in the dangerous