joke thread

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Anna!!!

[anna_66]

To Be Six Again.....
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye slowly opened, and then the wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still
gonna get it wrong.

[ChrisH]

Real good ones Anna!

[ellensy]

LOL that's funny!

[Tanya&Fritz]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says:
"Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says,
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says,
" The airbag."

[ChrisH]

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
"Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

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The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Scotty, how should I correct that?"
Scotty replied, "Maybe get a new boyfriend?"

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A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

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[ellensy]

LOL, that's a great one ChrisH!

[Edwina's Secretary]

From Wisconsin, the State that is nationally recognized as having the
highest percentage of binge drinkers in the nation comes a this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of
the car park and started to drive slowly down ! the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man, "You see tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Wanna be a bear?

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs.

Yup..... I wanna be a bear.

[ellensy]

hehe LOL Gosh, i love this thread!

[gini]

These are all so good........keep 'em coming!

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* that is *so* funny, ChrisH. I think I wanna be a bear, too!

[AmberLee]

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

- -

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?

- -

Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

- -

Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

- -

Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

- -

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

- -

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

- -

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

- -

Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?

[Cookiebaker]

*lol* Amberlee, those are soo funny! I love lawyer jokes!!