joke thread

[anna_66]

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite
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Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
He was caught drinking on the job
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How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horror-scope
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What is a vampires favorite sport?
Casket-ball
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Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women see right through them
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Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
Their a bunch of no bodies
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Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts
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How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!

[ChrisH]

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone!!

[anna_66]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[ellensy]

LOL

[AvaJoy]

This guy calls up his lawyer because he wants to get a divorce. The lawyer asks him why, and the man replies that it is because his wife told him he was no good in bed. The lawyer advises him that this is not grounds for divorce, but the man persists. The lawyer stands firm, trying to explain that being labeled a lousy lover is not going to hold up in court. Sure it will, protests the guy . . . afterall, how did she finally figure it out???!!!!

[ChrisH]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[krazyaboutkatz]

That's a good one ChrisH.

[anna_66]

[ellensy]

LOL Garfield, ur so hilarious!!!

[Tanya&Fritz]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today. " She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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CONCLUSION:
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[ChrisH]

LoL those are good, especially the first two.

[krazyaboutkatz]

These are great.

[anna_66]

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not!"
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RAPID RESPONSE

Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my
husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner
after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some
apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed
produce sprayers.

Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of
the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he
had called 911.

At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and
asked, “What was that?

I said "My pager, I am 911."

He looked at me, shocked " Boy, you guys are fast!"
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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

[anna_66]

Sorry so many jokes today, but I just ran into a bunch of good ones!
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Beth was attending her High School reunion and was
having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close,
the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to
hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who
had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion,
the graduate who had been married the longest time,
the graduate who had become the most successful, etc.

As Beth was wondering if she was going to get a prize
the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Beth,
you win with 11 kids," and then trying to be clever, he
added, "and champagne is only half the prize. The other
half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Beth replied. "It's obvious
with this many kids that I've never had a headache."
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A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had
gone out to the country to minister to an
outpatient. On the way back they were a few
miles from home when they ran out of gas. They
were standing beside their car on the shoulder
when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver
stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they
needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he
would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didnt
have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked
the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and
proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into
the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid
into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute,
then he said: "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but
I sure do admire your faith!"