joke thread

[ChrisH]

Blonde Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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The Cure

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home andtake a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

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Staff Descriptions

Outgoing Personality………Always going out of the office

Good Communication Skills………Spends lots of time on phone

Average Employee………Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified………Made no major blunders yet

Work is First Priority………Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially………Drinks a lot

Family is Active Socially………Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker………Nobody knows what he/she does

Quick Thinker………Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker………Won't make a decision

Aggressive………Obnoxious

Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs………Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Themselves Well………Speaks English

Meticulous Attention to Detail………A nitpicker

Has Leadership Qualities………Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment………Lucky

Keen Sense of Humor………Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career-Minded………Back Stabber

Loyal………Can't get a job anywhere else

[AmberLee]

HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton:
Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL everyone!! I love those AmberLee!!

[anna_66]

This was my first laugh of the day! Hope it makes you laugh as well

[gini]

I just adore Garfield! Thanks!


Blonde to a long distance telephone operator.........

Blonde: "Can you tell me the time difference between Las Vegas and Taiwan?"

Operator: "just a minute.........."

Blonde: "Thank You" .....and with that she hung up.

[ellensy]

Hahaha, just a minute!!!

[ChrisH]

Model Dental Patient

The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone!!

[Miss Meow]

Loved the blonde one Gini!


A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."

[anna_66]

OMG Miss Meow! That was awesome

[krazyaboutkatz]

Nicole. That was great.

[AmberLee]

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

Because he's always goblin





Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

In the casketeria.




What do you call serious rocks?

Gravestones.






Why did the witch stand in front of an audience?

She had to give a screech






What is a witch with poison ivy called?

An itchy witchy.







Why wasn't the vampire working?

He was on his coffin break






Why was the zombie so grumpy?

She woke up too early in the mourning.






What does a sorceress wear?

A bewitching outfit.







Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"







What's a ghosts favorite fruit?

Booberries







Why did the black cat cross the road?

To catch up with the chicken.







When does a skeleton laugh?

When something tickles his funny bone.

[anna_66]

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

[ChrisH]

A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.

They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".

So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."

"But this is my guide dog," says the man.

"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.

"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."

"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.

"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.

"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.

The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

[Nomilynn]

Church bulletin bloopers...


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congre
gation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please
see the minister.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands."