joke thread

[Cookiebaker]

*LOL* KrazyaboutKats! That's GREAT!!!

[anna_66]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[Miss Meow]

I hope these haven't been posted before

[krazyaboutkatz]

Those cat pics are great Nicole. I've never seen them before.

[ellensy]

cool cat pics!!!

[anna_66]

A school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lipprints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


Two voters from Palm Beach County FL were hangin' out.

One said to the ther "hey, lets go for a walk."

The other replied, "can't, I'm already chewing gum".


On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s, May I take your order?”

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[AmberLee]

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their
teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

[ellensy]

LOL!!! I like the "click"!

[ChrisH]

Two Types of Drivers

There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.

[anna_66]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me
while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be
there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra
holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can
get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting
mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "Is that it?"
Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and says
Sever: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A $2 BILL."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift.
Server: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
get change."
Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM
IN HERE." [My emphasis]
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it
was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take *those* either."
Me: "Why the hell not?"
Manager: "I think you *know* why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What the hell for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the
other end of counter, in a whisper]
Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
Security: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]
Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other
thing he has is a fifty."
Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Security: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're
trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Security: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to
eat, so I said
Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in
his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill."
Security: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot,
and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free
and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.
Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free
food.

[Randi]

United Nations Strike Force....

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a
combined strike force with troops from several nations included
in it.

Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined
force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the
beach.........

The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory
now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the
English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a
sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and
Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until
someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you
ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll
celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians
as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales
for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it
away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the
English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the
English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their
dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General
Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab
her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is
Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas
station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.

[ellensy]

LOL

[ChrisH]

LOL these are so funny! Anna, your $2 bill story, I could just picture it all, had me laughin tears! Thanks for sharing.

[lynnestankard]

Me too LOL Anna - I'd have loved to have seen that shop managers face!!

Lynne