joke thread

[Cookiebaker]

(And another one...)

There was a guy in his kitchen swatting flies. They were buzzing all over and driving his wife crazy. After a few minutes she comes into the kitchen, and whines "You haven't even killed one fly yet. What is wrong with you??"
"I have killed 5 flies, thankyou very much, three of which were males and two were females."
"And Just HOW can you the sex on those tiny critters especially after they have been squished??"
"Ah Easy!", the husband replies. "Circumstancial evidence--3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone.

[ChrisH]

Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[ellensy]

LOL

[Randi]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine--"la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine--"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[ChrisH]

LOL

[AvaJoy]

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would now have $16.50 left.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

However, if you had bought $1000.00 worth or Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle!

[AvaJoy]

This isn't the greatest joke around, but since Halloween is coming it befits the season:

Two bats were hanging out in their cave one evening.

One bat said to the other that he was really craving some blood, so he flew out of the cave in search of a victim.

About an hour later he returned, blood still dripping from his mouth. Now hungry himself, the other bat asked him where he had found all that blood, and he replied, "OK . . . you know how when you leave the cave and you see that tree on the left? Well . . . I didn't!"

[AmberLee]

The young son of a doctor is playing in his father's office with a friend while the physician is seeing patients in the examining rooms. At one point, the son opens a closet door and shows his friend an articulated skeleton.

The other boy wants to play with it, but the doctor's son tells him they can't touch it.

"My dad would be angry if anything happened to that skeleton," he says. "He's really proud of it."

"Is he?" asks the friend. "Why?"

"I don't know," the doctor's son answers. "Maybe it was his first patient."

[AmberLee]

*Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?


*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!


*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.


*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.


*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?


*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.


*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.


*The buck doesn't even slow down here!


*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.


*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.


*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!


*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.


*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!


*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.


*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.


*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.


*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.


*We do precision guesswork.


*A penny saved is a government oversight.

[Nomilynn]

AmberLee those are great.. I'm going to send those to my dad he will really like them!!

[anna_66]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[ellensy]

LOL

[ChrisH]

Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have
no holidays. Henny Youngman

[Nomilynn]

A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at
a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they
liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so
impressed they immediately purchased the dog.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the
dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's find out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's
forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Halloween story from a little town in New Mexico





This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and wet and no car went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, with
out
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very
slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of
shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the
window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying hysterically
and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same
cantina and one said to the other........

"Mira, Pedro, that's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were
pu
shing it!"


Happy Halloween!!