joke thread

[FloppsyLadySally54]

Lol guys keep it up!!!

[Randi]

Getting a Job at the Zoo!

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts
to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him
into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.

So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime
puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws
larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires
of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the
people are paying more attention to the lion in the next
cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a
partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.

Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the
lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Randi that was a good one.

[AmberLee]

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."


I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
--Age 10

Home is where the house is.
--Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
--Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15

* * * * * * *
{Apparently I have a very sick mind. I chortled and snorted through this like nobody's business! ...imagine HOW serene...}

[krazyaboutkatz]

Good one AmberLee.

[Tanya&Fritz]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[anna_66]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[Cookiebaker]

That joke is so funny, Anna!!

[ellensy]

LOL LOL

[Former User]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"


A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[Cookiebaker]

my favorite blondies joke:

How do you drown a blonde??
Paste a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!

[gini]

And beautiful black Casper says in his photo..........

WHAT IS THIS THING????

[Former User]

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

[Former User]

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Q-What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain
> on
> the ground?
> A- Shoot him again.
>
>
> Q-Why do little boys whine?
> A-They're practicing to be men.
>
>
> Q-How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> A- One-he just holds it up there and wait for the world to revolve around
> him.
> Or Alternate answer-Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
> to
> him brag about the screwing part.
>
>
> Q What do you call a handcuffed man?
> A- Trustworthy.
>
>
> Q- What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
> calling your name?
> A- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
>
>
> Q- Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
> A- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
>
>
> Q- What's the best way to kill a man?
> A- Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose
> just one.
>
>> Q- Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
> A- Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>
>
> > Q- How does a man keep his youth?
> A- By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.
>
>
> Q- How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
> A- Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."