joke thread

**krazyaboutkatz** · 10-10-2002, 11:11 AM

LOL Anna

BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture.

**ChrisH** · 10-10-2002, 12:21 PM

Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No."

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

**anna_66** · 10-10-2002, 01:51 PM

Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
LOL Anna BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture.

Thanks! I just love Halloween!

**Cookiebaker** · 10-10-2002, 04:00 PM

Originally posted by anna_66
This is a good one

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

I've heard an ending to that story...it goes like this..

The young man sputtered, "but she's not my mother"
The clerk says "You DID call her your mother didn't you" to which the young man says "umm yes but no but nothing!" before leaving the line and dashing out of the store. He runs out into the parking lot where the lady is just about to pull out. He yanks open the door, shouting at the poor old lady. Everybody in the parking lot started to stare in horror as he starts pulling the lady out of the car. He's pulling her arms...her legs...harder and harder he pull on her leg...just like I'm pulling on yours!

Former User · 10-11-2002, 01:54 AM

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

Former User · 10-11-2002, 03:33 AM

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Former User · 10-11-2002, 03:34 AM

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Former User · 10-11-2002, 03:36 AM

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper

**anna_66** · 10-11-2002, 07:16 AM

Those were good Niina, expecially the last one!

LOL, Anna, I liked that

**Cookiebaker** · 10-11-2002, 08:25 AM

In the mid-1930's there was a poor family named Dunn living in Ireland. The famine was very bad and they were just barely having enough to sustain. The cold & dark winter was coming and they only saw one way to make a go of it. That was to send the oldest lad to America, land of the free & home to the brave. The Mother, of course, was devastated.
"Aw me lad, you will take care? Here take this warm vest and blanket if you should get cold. And here is the last 5 potatoes, take them for your long journey. And you will write to your poor old mother, won't ye? Let us know how you do be faring?"
"yes, yes, mother, to be sure!"
So the lad starts on his long journey first by foot and then by boat. Many weeks later they arrive in New York Harbor. He takes off looking for work and after a letter or two, forgets about his poor family back in Ireland.

Many months later, a neighbor of the poor family is also ready to leave for America to find his fortune. So Mrs. Dunn went over to say goodbye and send some good luck wishes. And she says to him,
"You are going to America just like my oldest lad. Would you do me a favor?"
"Of course, ma'am."
"When you go to America, find Connecticut. And in Connecticut, find a wee white house, and you tell my boy to write to his mother."
"Yes, Yes I will remember"

So this lad takes the long trek to America, and eventually lands in New York. He's amazed by the masses of people, the filth, and after a while finds a bus. He climbs on board and says,
"I want to go to Connecticut"
"Very well", said the bus driver
They go a few blocks, and the lad runs to the front of the bus.
"Are we in Connecticut yet?"
"No, no. I will tell you when we get to Connecticut."
He does this two more times. Finally the bus driver tells him to sit down & shut up or he will get thrown off the bus. So he sits down & contents himself with looking out the window.

After a couple of hours, he sees the sign that says "Welcome to Connecticut". He runs to the front of the bus and says "let me off, let me off! We're in Connecticut!"
The bus driver replies, "yes but where in Connecticut would you like to go, New Haven?"
"No, no, right here!"
So the bus driver lets him off, unloads his suitcases and leaves him in the middle of nowhere.

So the lad starts walking. After a little while he comes to a gas station. He goes up to the owner of the gas station and says
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the wee white house is?"
The owner gives him a strange look, and says "around the back of the building".
So he runs to the back of the building and sure enough there was a wee white house. He pounds on the door.
"Just a minute! Just a minute!"
After a moment a man comes to the door, zipping up his pants. Breathless, the young man says, "Are you Dunn?"
"Y-y-y-yes" he stuttered.
"Then write to your mother!"

**anna_66** · 10-11-2002, 08:28 AM

LOL

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman was driving back to his car, he saw the other two professors on the floor in the back seat...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 166."

**Logan** · 10-11-2002, 08:42 AM

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

**ChrisH** · 10-11-2002, 06:25 PM

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"