joke thread

[ellensy]

LOL

[anna_66]

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!


Sound like anyone you know

[AmberLee]

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".
The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she shouts "Praise the Lord".
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord! -Not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"

Doesn't that brighten up your day!?

[anna_66]

SEND SOMEONE OVER QUICKLY!" THE OLD WOMAN SCREAMED INTO THE PHONE.
"TWO NAKED BIKERS ARE CLIMBING UP TOWARD MY BEDROOM WINDOW."
"THIS IS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, LADY," THE VOICE REPLIED. "I'LL HAVE TO TRANSFER YOU TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT."
"NO, IT'S YOU I WANT," SHE YELLED. "THEY NEED A LONGER LADDER!"

[ChrisH]

LOL
Anna & Amberlee, those are just so funny. Thanks.

[lovemymaltese]

Garfield is my favorite thanks for sharing!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone! Too funny.

[anna_66]

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can we do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith on Hwy#1...
he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Well, we thank you very much for the tip-off call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left shaking their heads.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

[lovemymaltese]

Words that should exist . . .


ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[lovemymaltese]

How Much Is That Barbie In the Window?
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mail and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager

"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

[lovemymaltese]

The hearing aid joke is absolutely hilarious, I just loved it. LOL! Thanks so much for sharing, brought a great smile to my face.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL This is too funny. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
...PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet...

I didn't realize how blase I'd become about dressing/personal hygiene in front of my cats until my young niece visited last time. She was in the bathroom and called me in a panic to remove the cats so that she could function there: they were staring at her and it was freaking her out! Poor darling -- it does take a bit of a leap at first.

>^o_o^< <-- woo-hoo! staring cat!!

[anna_66]

This is a good one

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[ellensy]

LOL!!!