joke thread

[ChrisH]

Lol

[lovemymaltese]

children can be so destructive, but we still love them. Ha!

[ChrisH]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

[anna_66]

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

[ChrisH]

Lol So funny, and so true!

[Former User]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[Former User]

An old lady called up the police department and got a policeman sent to her address. She told him, "Officer, there's a man exposing himself in the building next to mine!"
The concerned officer said, "Where is he, lady?"
"Right over there! He's still shamelessly baring himself!"
The officer couldn't tell where she was pointing. "I'm sorry, but I still can't see a naked man over there."

The old lady pulled him over to her window. "Oh, you have to look through this telescope."

[Former User]

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

[lovemymaltese]

lol I love it, the first garde proverbs thing was hilarious.

[ellensy]

LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! im laughing my head off right at the computer!

[lovemymaltese]

Aspire To Greatness

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great" writer...

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in
pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[lovemymaltese]

A Beautiful Wife

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests
in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes
fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[lovemymaltese]

Three Wishes

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant
them!"

Her mom first asked for world peace.

Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.

Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll
need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Tanya&Fritz]

See attached.

[Former User]

Originally posted by ellensy
LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! im laughing my head off right at the computer!

Yes, you spelled my name right and I'm glad you liked the jokes