joke thread

[lovemymaltese]

It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

[RockyRoad]

Does anybody have any redneck jokes?

[Pam]

Got this tonight in an e-mail.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Pam that was too funny.

[AmberLee]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh merciful heavens! Am I driving?"

[wolf_Q]

Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!!

For you...

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the
operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

[Former User]

A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

[Ann]

Great jokes everyone!!

Originally posted by FloppsyLadySally89
Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!!

I always thought that "redneck" was a term for people who came from the south of the USA Could it mean both or am I completely wrong?

Originally posted by Pam
Got this tonight in an e-mail.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.

OMG, if that is true then that's one of the coolest, smartests and funniest way of adopting out an animal that I've ever heard! Huge kudos to them

LOOC@lovemymaltese's three wishes story. That one was hilarious!

[anna_66]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".

The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.

You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.

[Tanya&Fritz]

You might be a redneck if...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your fourteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

8. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."

9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.

10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are; "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

18. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

21. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[Pam]

Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
You might be a redneck if...19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

These are hysterical but this is the one that made me laugh out loud!! Great job everyone. Laughing is good for us all!

[Pam]

This really made me smile. It could very well be Bella having a chat with Tessa, our doggie next door neighbor. The human on the ground would of course be me!

[lovemymaltese]

lol, that is too funny. Thanks for sharing.

[lovemymaltese]

I Think
There's 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red head.
They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in small
print, a note says, " If you say something honest about yourself,
you will be rewarded." "And if you lie, you will vanish forever."

The brunette says, " I think have the most beautiful head of hair."
Poof She vanishes forever.

The red head says, " I think I have the most beautiful body."
Poof She vanishes forever.

The blonde says, " I think.." Poof.

[lovemymaltese]

Boring Book
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our
phone book."