Barney is an Angel Now.

[pomtzu]

Lara and all the other PT'ers,

I mostly just lurk and don't ususally comment all that much, but I wanted to let you know that I have also been following the saga of our dear Barney; the first thread that I always check is this one. I've never been one to easily convey my feelings, so I don't say much. But, this little boy has touched my heart like no other. Like you all, I am a certified "crazy cat lady" and have a real soft spot in my heart for those dear animals who need our intervention in order to see that they have the life that all God's creatures deserve.

My DH and I visit the pet stores and shelters to spend time with the animals and it is always heartbreaking to hear their sad stories, and hope that someone like us comes to rescue them. I cry pretty easily when I hear these stories, but rarely have I been so affected as I have by Barney's tale. My heart breaks for this poor boy who spent so much time in the wild trying to survive as ill as he is.

Lara, I cannot thank you enough for taking Barney in and caring for him as you have as well as sharing his story with us. There is a special place in heaven for you, where Barney will be waiting for you one fine day. (To quote Gary.) He is such a special little boy who has been most fortunate to have been able to share the joy and love of being in a warm home, with food, comfort, and most importantly, love. He now knows what love is. This is reflected in how patient that he has been with you throughout all of your care; removing the mats in his fur, the repeated baths, clippings, trips to the vet, ear cleanings, etc. He knows you were trying to help him and ease the hurt. He knows without a doubt that you love him, as do we all.

Bless you and Scott, too, for the affect that you've had on him. I wish Barney could know the effect that he's had in others as well. I can't tell you enough how he's impacted me, and in the best way, too. Times are tough and the news everywhere is so gloom and doom, and yet, here's our Angel, Barney, showing the best in all of us. Look at how he has united all of us, and impacted your husband. I just love this little guy, I feel like I know him. I wish I could just take him in my arms and hold him close, as we all do.

My heart breaks for you as Barney's condition deteriorates. Remember the love that he has shown you as you wrestle with the upcoming days ahead. I will be thinking of you and Barney in the days to come. Remember this final act of love for Barney as it is all he asks of you. Thank you again for all you have done for this lucky guy; I wish all other needy animals were as lucky to have found someone like you.

Peace in the days ahead for you and for Barney.

Now, I've got to go and clean this darn blurry monitor. Funny, it blurs up every time that I'm in this thread; why is that?

Love and Peace to you and the Barnster.

Mary

Beautifully said!

[momtomany]

A huge ditto to beautifully said

[weluvcats]

I am heartened to see that Barney has had such a good Christmas and New Years...Although it can confuse and complicate the issue of "when." It's strange that sometimes when you feel that you've made the decision, the little sweethearts seem to perk up. I know...we've been through that more than once. Whatever (and whenever) you decide, blessed Barney will go to the Rainbow Bridge knowing love, warmth and kindness, and that you were the source of all of those, and he will take that with him. All of our thoughts and prayers are with you and Barney.
Judy

[Purr-tender]

Lara, we've been gone since Wednesday. My husband and I rented a cottage with a huge stone fireplace and took my parents with us for New Years. I have been going crazy not knowing how Barney was and if Friday was still the day. What a relief to see the wonderfull video of him enjoying a stroll through your house with you. My goodness, how I love that boy!! I felt like I was there. I kept saying "come on Barney, come on Barney" since we don't actually see you it could be any of us that he was following like a little puppy. So sweet. It's good to know that he does still have an appetite. Like Catty said, I too have those thoughts that when Barney's vet sees him she will be able to buy him some more quality time. But, you are there with him, you see his decline. When the time comes you will do what is best for him, no doubt.

Love to both of you!
Mary

[Edwina's Secretary]

Lara,

I often see the expression "Let me be the person my dog thinks I am..."

As I watched the video of Barney I thought...'You are the wonderful person Barney thinks you are!

[Emeraldgreen]

I had to smile watching Barney's last video. He's warm and dry and has a full belly - it almost makes one forget how sick he really is. I couldn't help but think "it's not time yet", but Lara, you are the one who sees him everyday and knows what's best for him...

I have that 'it's not time yet' feeling every morning. He jumps up when I open the door and walks over to me, waiting for me to put the plate of food on the floor. It's our usual routine so he knows I have food. I learned from another PT'r in a PM who is a nurse that even though he remains hungry, the fact that he continues to waste away means the cancer is stealing all the nutrition. I needed to know that because his appetite is so strong and makes this decision unbearable. Part of me wishes he would stop eating so I could be more comfortable with this and I know how awful that sounds but that's where I'm at.
I certainly wouldn't put him down if it was just that he was skinny because he's always been thin. But he's thinner than ever and his ears are really causing him grief. He twitches them constantly and scratches them and the exposed tumor so often that his left back foot is stained with blood. I clean the walls each morning to get the yucky stuff that flies out of his ears when he shakes his head.
He will come out of his room if I coax him but now he only comes if he thinks I'm dishing up food. He tends to head back to his room by himself and sits where I usually put his food. It's his main focus now.
I've got the heat cranked in the bathroom so he is really cozy. My husband is complaining about it but I don't care. I want his last days to be as comfortable as possible.
I contacted the clinic on Saturday and Barney's vet isn't in on Monday. But she does work Tues, Wed and Friday. I feel absolutely sick about picking a day. I know I just need to get on with it but I literally feel sick about it.
The other thing is that I have just enough insulin to last until Tuesday morning. I suppose if I thought Barney should/could stay with me until Friday, I could pick up another vial of insulin tomorrow. We are going to town anyway. My husband already doesn't understand why I'm postponing it. I work on Friday but could get someone to work for me.
When I make the appointment, I will make sure the vet gives him a sedative first so he's pretty much out of it by the time they put him down. I'm going to have him cremated as well. There is a non-private cremation where you don't get the ashes back but I feel like in all this time, he didn't have a family and now he does. And this family wants to remember him and sprinkle his ashes in the garden just like all of the other pets we've had. I want him to know in spirit that he meant enough to me to treat him the way I would treat any other of my cats when their time comes.

So, I'm sorry for going back and forth about this. I wish it was a clear decision and it just hasn't been. I do know with certainty that it will be this week. I just need to set the appointment for either Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday. I should know by tomorrow what will happen and will post. Thanks for all your support you guys. This is just the worst and I've had butterflies in my stomach for days now.

[Purr-tender]

Oh Lara, I am so terribly sorry that you have this awful, painful task. My heart is breaking, just as yours is. You have been blessed with a loving heart, which in a time like this, seems like a curse. We are all very much feeling your pain but I know that really isn't much consolation.

With a very heavy heart,
Mary

[Emeraldgreen]

I know I just posted about Barney but wanted to respond to the previous posts too.

pee pads--Human pee pads are bigger & are usually cheaper if you still want to use them.

I never thought of that. It would have been the perfect solution and I could've put one under the litterbox so it caught all the pee that spilled over. As it is, I use about 1 roll of papertowel every 2 days to clean up after him.
If I make his appointment for Friday instead of Tues or wed, I might pick some up.

Scooter's Mom wrote:

Happy new year hugs and kisses to our Barney.
Lara, you have done so much for this sweet boy. Most people would have seen his pitiful shape at the beginning and just put him down then. You're an angel for him.
Give Barney a gentle hug and kiss from me, would you?
Crystal

Thanks Crystal. Hugs have been given to Barney for you.

Barbara wrote:

Thinking of you and Barney today.

Thank you.

Randi wrote:

Lara, it was good to see Barney exploring, it must have felt good getting around a bit, and it's so sweet the way he follows you. He is such a trooper!

I know, he is so funny how he does that. I'm the food lady though so he keeps a close eye on where I'm going and what I'm doing. I 'could' be getting something yummy so he doesn't want to miss it.

MBones wrote:

Lara and all the other PT'ers,

I mostly just lurk and don't ususally comment all that much, but I wanted to let you know that I have also been following the saga of our dear Barney; the first thread that I always check is this one. I've never been one to easily convey my feelings, so I don't say much. But, this little boy has touched my heart like no other. Like you all, I am a certified "crazy cat lady" and have a real soft spot in my heart for those dear animals who need our intervention in order to see that they have the life that all God's creatures deserve.

My DH and I visit the pet stores and shelters to spend time with the animals and it is always heartbreaking to hear their sad stories, and hope that someone like us comes to rescue them. I cry pretty easily when I hear these stories, but rarely have I been so affected as I have by Barney's tale. My heart breaks for this poor boy who spent so much time in the wild trying to survive as ill as he is.

Lara, I cannot thank you enough for taking Barney in and caring for him as you have as well as sharing his story with us. There is a special place in heaven for you, where Barney will be waiting for you one fine day. (To quote Gary.) He is such a special little boy who has been most fortunate to have been able to share the joy and love of being in a warm home, with food, comfort, and most importantly, love. He now knows what love is. This is reflected in how patient that he has been with you throughout all of your care; removing the mats in his fur, the repeated baths, clippings, trips to the vet, ear cleanings, etc. He knows you were trying to help him and ease the hurt. He knows without a doubt that you love him, as do we all.

Bless you and Scott, too, for the affect that you've had on him. I wish Barney could know the effect that he's had in others as well. I can't tell you enough how he's impacted me, and in the best way, too. Times are tough and the news everywhere is so gloom and doom, and yet, here's our Angel, Barney, showing the best in all of us. Look at how he has united all of us, and impacted your husband. I just love this little guy, I feel like I know him. I wish I could just take him in my arms and hold him close, as we all do.

My heart breaks for you as Barney's condition deteriorates. Remember the love that he has shown you as you wrestle with the upcoming days ahead. I will be thinking of you and Barney in the days to come. Remember this final act of love for Barney as it is all he asks of you. Thank you again for all you have done for this lucky guy; I wish all other needy animals were as lucky to have found someone like you.
Peace in the days ahead for you and for Barney.
Now, I've got to go and clean this darn blurry monitor. Funny, it blurs up every time that I'm in this thread; why is that?
Love and Peace to you and the Barnster.
Mary

Thank you Mary (Barney has so many angels named Mary! ). I think you conveyed your message so well and I'm glad you did. I'm also happy to hear that he has impacted your life too. He's got a way about him.
The other day a man who rents the other little cottage on the property where my coworker lives came into where I work. I decided to ask him if he had ever seen Barney around the property, thinking maybe he once belonged to this guy at some point. But he has only lived there for just under a year. But after I described Barney, he said "ya, I have seen that cat. He used to sneak into my house and steal my cat's dry food. Everytime he saw me though, he'd bolt."
When I thought of poor Barney having to steal another cat's food, it made me sad but so thankful that he didn't have to do that anymore. He's got his own bowl of kibble and it's always full.

kb2yjx wrote:

Lara, thanks for the latest video!! Barney actually LISTENS to you!!! I have mentioned this to the Clan!!! Please give Barney a kiss from all of us!!

It does seem like he can hear me but when I'm filming him, I wiggle my fingers to get him to come to me. And, sometimes he just chooses to follow with the hope of treats.

Catty1 wrote:

He is so much a part of everything - your house, PT - it seems impossible he could be 'gone'.
I suppose vet Trudy will agree with letting Barney go. I have these ridiculous thoughts like "she'll say, 'oh we can aspirate this and he'll have a few more good months' and stupid things like that.
Like with my mom's Pyka - and my sister - we had to put our own feelings out of the way and put what was best for Pyka and Darcia first.
Please, kisses to Barney for me! *les*

I feel the same way. It's going to be kind of lonely when he's gone. But I will hope that he will be with us in spirit. I'm kind of thinking about getting a reading done after he is gone. I've used Monica Diedrich a few times, including for Tiger and would like to know what she could tell me. Might be silly and useless but would provide some comfort I think.
I don't think the vet would advise anything regarding the tumor though. Of course I will ask though, I promise. But he is also having just as much trouble with his other ear and that tumor is deep inside his ear and is the one that bleeds when he scratches it.

Weluvcats wrote:

I am heartened to see that Barney has had such a good Christmas and New Years...Although it can confuse and complicate the issue of "when." It's strange that sometimes when you feel that you've made the decision, the little sweethearts seem to perk up. I know...we've been through that more than once. Whatever (and whenever) you decide, blessed Barney will go to the Rainbow Bridge knowing love, warmth and kindness, and that you were the source of all of those, and he will take that with him. All of our thoughts and prayers are with you and Barney.
Judy

Thank you so much Judy.

Purr_Tender wrote:

Lara, we've been gone since Wednesday. My husband and I rented a cottage with a huge stone fireplace and took my parents with us for New Years. I have been going crazy not knowing how Barney was and if Friday was still the day. What a relief to see the wonderfull video of him enjoying a stroll through your house with you. My goodness, how I love that boy!! I felt like I was there. I kept saying "come on Barney, come on Barney" since we don't actually see you it could be any of us that he was following like a little puppy. So sweet. It's good to know that he does still have an appetite. Like Catty said, I too have those thoughts that when Barney's vet sees him she will be able to buy him some more quality time. But, you are there with him, you see his decline. When the time comes you will do what is best for him, no doubt.
Love to both

The cottage you rented sounds lovely. I'm glad to say that Barney is still with us. I'm just trying to figure out which day to bring him in. Sometime this week.
It's true, it could be any of us that he is following around because everyone has been so caring about Barney and checking in to see how he is doing. He belongs to all of us, or perhaps I should say we all belong to him.

Edwina's Secretary wrote:

Lara,

I often see the expression "Let me be the person my dog thinks I am..."

As I watched the video of Barney I thought...'You are the wonderful person Barney thinks you are!

I have always loved that expression about the dogs! Thank you so much for what you wrote. I really appreciate it.

E.T.A. Mary and I posted at the same time. Just wanted to respond to her post too!

Purr_Tender wrote:

Oh Lara, I am so terribly sorry that you have this awful, painful task. My heart is breaking, just as yours is. You have been blessed with a loving heart, which in a time like this, seems like a curse. We are all very much feeling your pain but I know that really isn't much consolation.
With a very heavy heart,
Mary

Thanks Mary, it is very consoling.

[weluvcats]

I just read your post...My heart breaks for you and for what you are facing this week. Please don't apologize about "going back and forth" with this decision. It is a horrendous place to be.I have been exactly where you are more than once, most recently last June. Your story with your Barney sounds so much like what we went through with our beloved Billy. He had chronic renal failure, and he was at the end and was just skin and bones. The only decision left was 'when'. We were giving him sub-q fluids at home, and I had enough to last him till Tuesday of the week he died, so I scheduled the appt. for Tuesday morning thinking that that would be a logical day, unless something changed. But, that weekend, he went south on us, despite some good moments when he would seem to perk up(bless his precious little heart). Monday morning, he had essentially stopped eating (even his favorite, tuna) or really drinking, and it was obvious he had had enough. I called my husband at work and he came home, and we decided that we couldn't make him wait another day. I called our vet, and we took him in about an hour or so later.
I guess the reason I'm telling you this is that there is no perfect time for this. We had prepared ourselves for Tuesday, but fate intervened, and it became Monday. And you know, it was okay...He had had enough, and Billy, bless his heart, hated the vet. He NEVER in his life purred at the vet-EVER. But, right after he was given the sedative, he looked me right in the eyes(I was sitting right in front of him), and for the first time in the last twelve hours of his life, he really saw me and smiled (you know how cats 'smile' with their eyes?)...I could see it in his eyes, and he started purring, and I told him that we loved him, and God bless him, that is how he left us. I will never forget it as long as I live... It was time.
Lara, I think you just have to ask yourself, "Will tomorrow be better(or worse) than today for Barney, or will it just be more of the same?...Is he really living, or is he just existing?" That is how we made our decision to let Billy go. Maybe, this will help you with your decision. Our hugs and prayers are with you all...
Judy

[MBones]

Lara,

Thanks for the update on Barney. My heart breaks for him, and for you. I must say, he is one determined kitty though! I mean, the issues with his ears and the tumors and all. I was wondering if the bald spot behind his right ear was the exposed tumor, is that correct? If so, does he seem to be in pain? He certainly does seem determined, what with his appetite and following you around, though. Boy, he is one tough old boy, which makes the question of "when" all the more difficult. We've all been there and know how tough it is and with doubts and all of the second guessing that occurs. And they don't always help us out since they try are so stoic and try to hide their pain and discomfort.

With Emma, our RB kitty, we thought it might be her time on a Friday evening; she was in chronic renal failure and had trouble breathing. She had went downhill so fast from the day before that I thought it was her sign for us to let her go. We didn't leave her sight and tried to stay awake all night in the event that something happened, as we had made plans with our vet to come over the following Saturday afternoon and end her suffering. Lo and behold, she was still with us on Saturday morning; in fact, we couldn't find her. She had summoned up reserves of strength from somewhere and had walked across the room and found a new place in which to lie down! Talk about second guessing our decision, but she declined again a few hours later and we did indeed know that she wasn't going to be getting any better at that point.

I guess the point of all of my babbling on is that I understand what you are going through, and what weluvcats says up above is that there will never be a perfect time is so true, and her comments that

"I think you just have to ask yourself, "Will tomorrow be better(or worse) than today for Barney, or will it just be more of the same?...Is he really living, or is he just existing?"

are wise ones indeed. I just feel for you; I can't begin to imagine how you (and all of us here at PT) are going to be missing him. He's such an inspiration. Remember that he has known comfort and love with you and you have made such a difference in his life.

Darn it, my monitor is getting blurry again. Do you suppose there's something I can do to fix that? (Don't answer, it's rhetorical.)

Give Barney a hug and a scritch from me too. I will be thinking of you both and praying for strength, love, and peace for you and Barney this week. Wish that I could do more.

Mary

[Medusa]

Lara, this is the worst possible position to be in, knowing that you have to help Barney to the Bridge but not knowing just the right time. When I was going back and forth w/Puddy, even when I called my vet and said that I was on my way in w/her because she couldn't breathe, the sweet little girl still walked over to her food dish and tried to eat some chicken before we left. It was heartbreaking. Once this is all over, though, you'll take a sigh of relief because you'll know that Barney is at peace and in no more pain and the awful demon of indecision will be off your back. As you know, we're all there w/you in spirit, holding your hand and stroking Barney every step of the way.

[pomtzu]

It's difficult to know what to say right now, without being redundant. So let me just say thank you Lara and Scott, for giving meaning to life for Barney, when his life prior to life with you, had no meaning for him at all - just an everyday fight for existence. And to you Barney - thank you for bringing a world of strangers together in love. That was quiet an accomplishment - and you did one heck of a job!!! When the day comes - Godspeed sweet boy - you will be missed!

And now I need to go clean my blurry screen also........

[Randi]

Lara, my heart is breaking and I'm all teared up that you have to make this decision, but you have to think the way Mary described below.

I think you just have to ask yourself, "Will tomorrow be better(or worse) than today for Barney, or will it just be more of the same?...Is he really living, or is he just existing?

Barney have been such a trooper and you have done absolutely everything you could for him - thank you for that! Barney has known love in his last few months and that is what matters now.

Lara, we're right here with you and Barney in spirit, sending all our love and strength to get through this. Sit with Barney whenever you can and tell him how much we all love him.

I like that you will have the vet give him a sedative, then Barney will be feeling good when he leaves, and you will rememeber him that way. I'm also glad that you will have him cremated - pick a wonderful spot in your garden and you can visit and put flowers and little toys for him.

Hugs to you and lots of kisses to dear sweet Barney.

[Medusa]

I like that you will have the vet give him a sedative, then Barney will be feeling good when he leaves

This is what my vet did for Puddy and it made a big difference. Even though she was struggling to breathe, after the sedative and pain killer, she didn't even need to be PTS. She took her last breath in peace and, hopefully, it will be this way w/our Barney, too.

[Taz_Zoee]

I also have the monitor blurring problem every time I come to this thread. Most others here on PT have been through this once or several times. I have not. I have lost many animals but usually naturally or it was someone else's decision to let them go. Each time I read about someone having to make this decision and go through this it tears me up because I know someday I will be the one having to make the decision. I do take comfort in the fact that I have my PT family to help me through it. Just as we are all here for you, Lara.