I don't have children yet (I'm only 23), but I am an advocate for a child that is 15. She is currently in a placement facility because her home is unsafe for her to be in emotionally and physically...however, this does not compromise who she is and she is true to this age. Here are some things I have learned and observed:
1. Set Boundries...this is so important, at first, I felt bad for her situation and would buy her things all the time...this got really out of control where she began to expect it from me. (She gave little thought to the fact that I was a volunteer) This goes with everything though...rules, respect, free time, chores, etc.
2. Chores...she needs to earn her keep without making her feel she is. With the chores, give her a little (like $5.00 a week) spending money and don't pay for everything. Let her learn to save and earn/buy what she wants. I am not talking about just cleaning her room or picking up after herself, I am talking about little chores like dishes or taking the trash out...something she needs to do every day. If you want, add a weekly chore like vacuming for an extra $2.00 a week. If she see's she is getting something for her efforts, she wont know she is being taught responsibility and yet the money isn't a huge amount, so she can learn to value it.
3. Respect her, she needs privacy and a space that is truely her own. Allow her to fix up her room, better yet, do it together. This is a great way to establish those boundries head on.
4. Set rules, (this sounds like boundries) have her know the consequenses ahead of time. "My" child works on a level and a point system....according to thier levels, they are allowed (or not allowed) to participate in things. According to their points, they get prizes....such as makeup, a movie, candy, magazine, ect. This may be more for the behavior though, so this may not apply to her.
5. Treat her like an adult and hold her accountable. The biggest thing that bothers "my" child is that people don't tell her what is going on or wont talk to her about complicated issues. She feels like people think she is stupid and can't understand things. She loves it when I talk to her about what I learned in my Psych classes in school. Even is she doesn't understand something, she loves that I think she is smart enough to do so. That is huge in building a self esteem that has been altered (or shattered) by past events. This may really help your neice.
6. Make sure she knows that everything you do is based on love and concern for her. "My" child has gone though so, so much and I am so deeply happy to say that she knows that whatever I have to say to her or whatever happens to her, I am there and will always look out for her. I guess what I am saying is to let her know you are in her court, always rooting for her. Enstill in her that she is valued and that you and your hubby will always be there for her....but....make sure those boundries are set....make sure she knows that if she messes up you will be disappointed, but you still love her and are not going to give up on her. From what I've learned, they need that knowledge so badly. Everyone needs to know that they have someone that is there for them, somone that really loves them and expects them to thrive and excel in life.
OK, now that I spilled all my psychobabble knowledge, I want to commend you on what you and your hubby are doing. Most people wouldn't do this, you should be very proud of yourself. You are wonderful!! Of course you are....you're a "Pet Talker"!
Please forgive me if what I have said sounds dumb or anything like that, I have observed so much in "my" child's life that I wanted to share it in hopes it could help you. The place "my" child is at is doing such a great job with her, she is so happy and joyful, which is amazing to me considering her circumstances.
I wish you much luck, success, love and strength in this endeavor you have accepted. Very good.
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Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
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