Yes
No
A teacher was upset that one little boy was swearing in class. "Todd," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear those words?"
"My daddy says that," Todd replied.
"Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "I don't want to hear that language in here again." Turning away, the teacher muttered "At least he doesn't know what it means."
"I do, too!" the little boy replied. "It means the car won't start!
I hope this doesn't offend anyone....
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
---------------------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
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Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Blonde Cook Book:
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors
were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but
I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up
to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some
reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
Registered User
Teacher: "If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?"
Student: "Six."
We miss you Angus
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"
Huney, Bon & Simba-missed so very much
Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets
We miss you Angus
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets
We miss you Angus
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Remembering all the Rainbow Bridge Pets
cute big nosed cat
computer for us girls
heh heh
just what I needed
Cute!
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