joke thread

[anna_66]

LOL Ninna! The chicken one...Mark's said that before

And the what if's....scaaaaarrrrrrryyyyyy!!!!

[Randi]

The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to
friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of
his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong
an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of
the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock
in the morning!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Niina Those are too funny. Anna and Randi your jokes were great too.

[Randi]

An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with it, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I just can't get it in at all!"

I have family who might do this - but then,I've also family who teaches CAD CAM. - but I don't think they see each other that much!

[Randi]

Paying for Your Taxes ...

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1999 and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1999 income tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and screwdrivers.

Sincerely,
Robbed Everyear

[Randi]

Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Marius."

8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny Randi.

[Former User]

[Pam]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Randi
Top 9 Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Marius."

Gee, that wouldn't be OUR Marius, beloved kitty of Wolflady, sibling of Scooter, and handsome white knight who only has eyes for Edwina!

[delidog]

Signs that your cat is hanging out with the wrong crowd: One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced. Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives". You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight or you'll never see Spot again". Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odour of catnip about him. You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW". You find out that the lifetime supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but your cat has been selling anti-flea drugs in the neighbourhood. After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

[Randi]

From the Dominican Republic Daily News:

Supernatural hen to go to court
Hoy newspaper tells the story of a Supernatural black hen that is kept at the Palacio de Justicia de Ciudad Nueva, the leading courthouse of Santo Domingo. The hen belongs to Lorenzo Rodriguez, who is accused of sexually violating three minors and of witchcraft. The hen is being kept as evidence.
Reportedly, the chicken would reveal to Rodriguez what the girls he kept captive in his Villa Consuelo shack would talk about when he was out. Two of the girls, aged 14-15 years old said that the hen would be quiet during the day (apparently listening), and then talk to her keeper at night.
When taken to the district attorney's office at the Ciudad Nueva courthouse, the hen supposedly told one employee the numbers that would come out in the lottery, and he won RD$15,000. To another, the hen gave a blessing so that he would be issued a 10-year visa to travel to the United States. The next day he was granted a visa. When these two happenings were interpreted as a confirmation of its supernatural powers, the good luck hen then became an overnight sensation.
The case will be heard today at the Cuarta Sala Penal del Distrito Nacional, and Hoy newspaper says that the judge would be questioning the hen

[anna_66]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

[anna_66]

This is me today....it is so dark, gloomy and rainy today (guess I shouldn't complain, we need the rain!)

[Former User]

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen.
The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."

[Aspen and Misty]

LOL that was so funny Casper and Kitty! I loved it. LOL