joke thread

[Former User]

During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged.
The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."

[felinequine]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'.

[Rottieluver45]

LOL!! That`s funny!

[felinequine]

Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment?

When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better than this."

If so, your cat may be from outer space....

Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.

Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space:
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:

Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?
Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?
Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?
Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mother ship through the plasterboard?
Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"
Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?
Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to you as well?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.

What Cats from Outer Space Look Like:

Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.

What to Feed Cats from Outer Space:

Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.

Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets:

Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.

How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens:

Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.

[Felix]

This Thread is sooooo funny!

[barclaysmom]

I found this on a site and thought it was cute!

if you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your trouble
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things . . .

Then you are probably the family dog!

[krazyaboutkatz]

Here's something that my brother e-mailed me. This is the worlds worst belly button tattoo.

[Former User]

Garfield is funny!

[anna_66]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[Former User]

Driving home one day, I was going about 20 over the speed limit. Don't you just know that before long a police car was flashing red lights behind me. I'd had a few drinks, so I figured I would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. I hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and I still hadn't shaken him off, I decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached my car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."

Thinking quickly, I said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

[Pam]

Just got this today from my brother via e-mail.....

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months!

[Former User]

LOL Pam, that's a good one!

Wedding Day Advice

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these are to big. I can't wear them." So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we've never had any problems".
'Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks over his father's advice for several days.

Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me."
Jack says, "Exactly right. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here you go try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

[ellensy]

LOL

[krazyaboutkatz]

[Randi]

Quattro

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
- "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
- "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
- "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
- "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry persons."
- "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian custom agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz mor intelligence!"
- "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno