It was 6 months ago today...

[Lobodeb]

that my dad felt the need to take his own life.

I have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions since I received the dreaded 1 AM phone call from my mom. "Debby, your dad killed himself today." No words have ever been heard any clearer. My first response? I HATE HIM! He's so selfish! Why would he do that? He just found out that he's going to be a grandpa!

He decided that life was too painful for him to live. To this day, I still don't know the pain he carried to make him feel that death was his only way out. I'll never know. He didn't say good-bye. He was 1 month short of his 50th birthday. I had just seen him the week before. He looked terrible. The light in his eyes was gone. I asked him if he was gonna be ok, he said, "eventually." Yeah, to him, being dead meant being ok. He had it all planned out. He wanted to die and he did everything to make sure it was carried out to the end.

I love him, I miss him, I'm mad at him, I'm confused, I feel sorry for him.

My baby won't have a grandpa. How will I explain that?

No need to reply, I just needed to vent.

[Glacier]

I'm so sorry for your loss and for what your your Dad has lost. He will be missing out on some wonderful things with you and your child!

I have lost three extended family members to suicide. It's a whole different kind of grief from a natural or accidental death. Six months is still a very recent loss. Be gentle with yourself.

[finn's mom]

I've not lost family that way, but, I've lost friends to suicide, and, everything you're feeling is normal. I don't think it ever becomes not confusing, why someone would feel that lost. Six months, as Glacier has already said, is so very recent, and, you will know how to handle it when the time comes to explain it to your child.

[4 Dog Mother]

The coroner has ruled my son's death a suicide too. We aren't sure though -he had been having trouble sleeping for some time now and he had taken to many sleeping pills. We think it may have been an accident. However, our emotions too are all over the place. Why didn't he go to see a doctor? He had been a little depressed and there is depression in the family. I had encouraged him to go and talk to a doctor and maybe feel better on a medication. But he did neither of those things.

It is normal and okay to feel all the things you are feeling. Rob's only been dead 3 months so I do know exactly what you are feeling. He will never see his beautiful neice Jasmine grow up, he will never have children of his own.

The only thing I do know is that suicide is an irrational act and often an impulsive one. The pain is so great that they can't see beyond it. They feel they have no worth to anyone and everyone would be better off without them. In today's world we all know the pain of dying from cancer, other illnesses because we know physical pain from our own experiences. But I think we need to remember that those who commit suicide are in a deep emotional pain that may be worse than any physical pain could be.

Be easy on yourself. This is not something you will "get over". Hopefully we will both find a way to live with it so that everyday the pain is not so great.
You can still tell your child that their grandfather loved him. I am sure he does even if he can't be here for them. His love will come down from Heaven especially if you help him/her to know your father through pictures and memories. I will keep you and your family in prayer.

[Lobodeb]

It's a whole different kind of grief from a natural or accidental death. Six months is still a very recent loss. Be gentle with yourself.

Ain't that the truth?! I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy (if I had one).

Thank you.

I don't think it ever becomes not confusing, why someone would feel that lost..

I only wish I understood.

Your baby will have a grandpa, it's just that he's a grandpa baby won't get to meet. Baby will hear stories of grandpa, and know him through pictures and stories.

And your baby will have Pet Talk uncles and Grandpas to make up for it, too, okay?

Now, back to you. We will be here for you, the first year is awful, especially after a suicide. Every holiday seems to bring fresh reminders, questions and anger. But we'll be here for you, even when you just need to cry, or to vent.

We love you!

Thank you! Really. This is why I love PT. You are the nicest people I've never met (face to face, of course).

We think it may have been an accident.

Unfortunately, we know that this is what he intended to do. He wrote a note, went to speak with a priest to be obsolved of all his sins, then rigged the garage door shut so no one would be able to get to him. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning. He knew exactly what he was doing.

God bless you and your family as well as I know what you all are going through. Also, thank you for sharing Rob's story.

Daisy & Deliliah, Casey's mom, Beenie's mom, Ginger's mom: Thank you. Your support means so much to me.

Corrina, thank you so much for sharing that very personal time of your life with me to help me with my grief. It does help me to understand. I, personally, have never had depression, thank God, so I have that much more difficulty understanding it. Hearing your perspective really helps me see what might have been going on inside his head.

luvofallhorses, JenBKR, moosmom and Laura's babies, thank you, too, for your prayers and support.

Maltese_Love, yes, your words do have an impact. I felt so much better after reading how many people are willing to send prayers and hugs my way in my time of need.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel so blessed to have found PT and even moreso that everyone here has welcomed me the way they have.

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

[Karen]

Your baby will have a grandpa, it's just that he's a grandpa baby won't get to meet. Baby will hear stories of grandpa, and know him through pictures and stories.

And your baby will have Pet Talk uncles and Grandpas to make up for it, too, okay?

Now, back to you. We will be here for you, the first year is awful, especially after a suicide. Every holiday seems to bring fresh reminders, questions and anger. But we'll be here for you, even when you just need to cry, or to vent.

We love you!

[Daisy and Delilah]

My heart is breaking for you sweetheart How awful for you to not have your Dad here to meet and enjoy his grandchild. My Dad died of a heart attack in 1966 and I don't go a single day without wishing he could have been here to meet my kids and to know what wonderful adults they have become. Bless you.

[caseysmom]

I am so sorry. It must be very hard for you.

[beeniesmom]

I'm so sorry.

[Ginger's Mom]

Oh Debby, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You have been given some very good words of advise and encouragement in the above posts. I hope they have helped. All I can offer is {{{hugs}}} to you, and the assurance we do understand and share your grief,

[Corinna]

As some one who attempted sucide as a teen several times I can only say the person gets so involved in their own world of pain and doesn't see any thing else. You aren't aware of any thing around you No you are aware but it doesn't seem to click it's part of your life. You are not thinking right ( oboviously) It isn't any thing against any one else its just you feel like a huge black cloud is coming down to sufficate you.
I send you both hugs and prayers for you to get through the greiveing process, hoping this helps .I have never talked about this with any one but my hubby (who stopped me all three times ). Had it not been for him as my boyfreind to show up when he wasn't supposed too I would not be here. God must have had a plan of something for me to do.
Maybe it was to be able to help both of you and r your families I don't know but I do also understand the other side as well a dear freind stopped communicating with me and I found weeks later he had commited sucide. His family shamed him terrible about being gay and coming out. such a tragic thing. HUG HUG