I hate my MIL!!!!

[catnapper]

What you have here is a generation clash. MIL is from the old generation where they ONLY had parties like that.... women ooohing and ahhing over bootsies and blankets while noshing on elegant finger foods. The concept of a beer and pizza party with MEN is as foreign to her, as her idea of a great party is uncomfortable to you. Remember, this is HER grandbaby too, and SHE'S excited about his coming and wants to celebrate it in the only way SHE feels is proper. Not that its right, but thats what she sees.

[lizbud]

What you have here is a generation clash. MIL is from the old generation where they ONLY had parties like that.... women ooohing and ahhing over bootsies and blankets while noshing on elegant finger foods. The concept of a beer and pizza party with MEN is as foreign to her, as her idea of a great party is uncomfortable to you. Remember, this is HER grandbaby too, and SHE'S excited about his coming and wants to celebrate it in the only way SHE feels is proper. Not that its right, but thats what she sees.

Sharp observation. Sounds that way to me too. Two totally different
schools of thought.

[Samantha Puppy]

I know they did things different back when she had my husband and other sons, but my mother is older than she is by a few years and had no problem with the idea of a pizza party with beer and men.

[beeniesmom]

I'd pretend you're not feeling well and bow out. Throw up on someone's shoes if ya have to. I don't think it's worth you going through all that stress.(((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

I was thinking the same thing. I'd be "sick" and leave early or never show up.

[gemini9961]

I wouldn't show up....that would show her!!! I can totally sympathize with you. I too hate being the center of attention. I am leaving tomorrow morning to fly out and get married, just him and I. I did not want a wedding where everyone was looking at me and oooohhing and aaawwwing over me. Uh, that is so not me. Just call and tell her, you throw that party and you can count me out and if you want me to come to a party do it the way I want it with my MALE friends and pizza and beer. Why have a snipity pretentious atmosphere where YOU don't feel comfortable, she needs to learn to respect YOUR decisions. Ok enough from me.

[Twisterdog]

MIL's are rarely fun. I HATED my ex's mom with a passion, and I'm quite sure she felt the same about me. She did a lot of mean, petty things to me, and I'm sure I responded in kind. At the time it seemed like a HUGE deal.

But now, frankly, with my son in high school and having known and dealt with this woman for 23 years ... I can look back and see that we were BOTH petty and small sometimes. And for what? I can't even remember the issues now at all.

We have called a truce over the past few years. We should have done it long ago. Because, the fact of the matter is, you have to deal with this woman the rest of your life. Literally. She is your child's grandparent, and she will ALWAYS be your child's grandparent. You will deal with her at every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday, illness and occasion for the rest of her life.

I honestly don't expect you to see this point of view. I CERTAINLY would not have seen it when I was your age. No way. But, I felt I had to voice it anyway. Sometimes time is a great mellowing agent.

Frankly, though, THIS is what concerns me more than troubles with your MIL:

Josh refuses to get in the middle of it. When I told him how I felt, he said "Whatever" and that was that. I can understand that he doesn't want to get involved, so all I ask is that if/when his mother complains to him he back ME up whether or not he agrees with my views.

IMHO, your husband OUGHT to stand up for YOU, his pregnant wife. He is now, first and foremost, YOUR husband and the father of YOUR and HIS child. He is no longer firstly his mother's son. I am certainly not advocating his causing trouble between his mother and himself, but he needs to make it clear to her where he stands. I think he needs to say something like, "Mom, I appreciate all your effort and understand that you want to help. However, Jaime doesn't feel comfortable with a party like this, and I'm sure you agree that no one needs to be making things more stressful on her at this time. Maybe later after the baby is born and things settle down, you and she could plan something TOGETHER that is acceptable to you both. But for now, let's just let this idea go, ok?" You and your husband must form a partnership above and beyond all other ties.

[catnapper]

I know they did things different back when she had my husband and other sons, but my mother is older than she is by a few years and had no problem with the idea of a pizza party with beer and men.

Same with my mom - she had noooo problem with that type of shower for my brother and his wife. Her mom? She was amazed there was even such a thing, let alone that my mom was going to accomodate their wishes. So my SIL had not one, not two, or three, or even four showers... she had FIVE showers. Her mom went to all 5 and gave HUGE gifts at all the showers. Showing off much? (don't ask how one woman can have 5 showers... she did!)

I just went to my cousin's shower just like the one you want (she had her baby yesterday by the way ) and it was nice. Only problem was that men stayed outside and the woman stayed inside. It became like a traditional baby shower and then men might as well NOT ben there for all we saw of them

I hope your MIL can comprimise. And kick Josh in the beeeehind and tell him to stand up to mom! You can tell him I said so!

[PJ's Mom]

IMHO, your husband OUGHT to stand up for YOU, his pregnant wife.

Absolutely!

My ex never stood up for me either but luckily we're divorced, he's a deadbeat dad and I haven't had to look at the witch for the last 8 years or so.

Good luck. It sounds like you've got way too much crap to be dealing with right now.

[CathyBogart]

Good for you for getting the situation fixed...it sounds like what you did is the best that you could given all of the options. Best of luck... *Hands you an umbrella for when the fireworks start)

[Oggyflute]

For what it's worth Jamie, you should do what you want to do. It's your life mate, the quicker your MIL realises this, the better for all concerned.

[orangemm]

Why couldn't you and your hubby (or your mom) plan an informal party where the guests bring a dish or pizza or whatever they want to bring. Cost wouldn't be an issue AND you'd get to gather with the people who make YOU feel comfortable and secure I'm sure the people and family who know you well already know that you don't want a formal, structured 'event', and they would be more than happy to go with the flow to do what would be in your best interests. Most modern 'showers' include the father-to-be anyway, so why not invite the guys, too? If there are more than 2 or 3, they wouldn't feel out of place.

I know if -I- were your friend, I would want what YOU wanted and wouldn't deliberately do the opposite of what you preferred.

You could even invite the dreaded MIL; even if she didn't show up, YOU would have made the gesture of friendship and family peace.

Just a thought.

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Jaime, I havent got any advice for you - just wanted to send you a big (((HUG))) - this pregnancy is YOU and hubby's special time, and it's not fair that it is being messed up by other people.

Stay strong and stand up to the MIL!

[Samantha Puppy]

Regarding Josh - he's not NOT supporting me. He actually hasn't spoken to his mother and had to stand up for me yet. No one's heard from her. But he and I talked last night and while he doesn't agree with my decision, he did say "... if that's what you want..." So if he DOES hear from his mom, he'll back me up.

As for me, I'm taking a step back. I realized this morning that I was basing all my reactions off of 3rd party information. I don't know if my MIL misrepresented the party to my friend, leading her to believe it'd be a classic shower but with guys and for her to ask if they would be interested in it OR if my oldest and dearest friends were told correctly that it was just an average party (no games, no themes, etc.) in honor of Josh and I and that they really did say they wouldn't come. So I've contacted my friend to ask exactly what my MIL said to her so I know whether or not to really hate MIL for manipulating things to get her way or if my friends really aren't so great after all. I'm waiting to hear back from her about it before addressing who needs to be addressed.

Regardless of whether it's my MIL or my friends, someone WILL get a talking to. If it's MIL, my mom and I will have our own party - the way Josh and I wanted. If it's my friends, I would be far too hurt and letdown to just ignore it and let it go, so they'll hear something from me. But we'll wait and see.

It's just so sad that all I wanted was an evening to look back on when all of our friends and families got together to celebrate the impending arrival of our firstborn son. I won't have any memory like that to remember or to tell Nug about, because either his paternal grandmother was a manipulative bitch who would go to pretty good lengths to get HER way OR that his mommy's and daddy's friends just didn't care enough about them to want to share in the occasion. You know, if I'd been asking for a massive destination party in NYC or Florida or Vegas or something like that, I can totally understand people not being interested in coming. But this was JUST a party. Like a birthday party or a graduation party. People go to those. Why not a party to celebrate us getting ready for our impending baby?

[Logan]

I have been following this and absorbing it all. I simply cannot imagine trying to dictate to someone who is offering to give a party, on what terms they can give it. Jaime, I know this is a sensitive issue for you, but maybe there should be two parties. Baby showers are fun and you get great stuff. My thought is that you would be the one to provide the invitation list, anyway, but you can't really try and tell your MIL how to do it. It's her party, in honor of you. If you want to have a get together with your friends in a different manner, do it seperately, throw the party yourself, or with your mother's help, and make sure you indicate to the guests what your wishes are for food or gifts.

I hope you can try to lighten up a little bit on your MIL and keep peace. "Hate" is a strong word and this is your husband's mother and the grandmother of your child. She sounds like an overbearing woman. I have a mother like that, so my husband endures some of the same stuff you're dealing with. Both of the MIL that I have had (2 marriages) are exactly the opposite! Very unassuming, loving women.

Just try to make the best out of the situation and apprecaite the fact that someone is trying to do something nice for you and your baby!

I wish you the best. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and any stress that Mom is feeling is going to be felt by that baby, too. Try and relax and enjoy this time, even if everything is not exactly as you would like it to be.

Logan

[Samantha Puppy]

But she underminded my mother in what she's done. MY MOTHER was the one to decide to have a party for me. Because my MIL felt oh-so-excluded from my bridal shower (thrown for me by my best friend), my mom thought it'd be nice to include her as a co-host. But MIL took the co- part, threw it out the window, and took over! MY MOM knows me best and wanted to give me a party that I would feel comfortable with. MIL is the one who took it upon herself to contact my friend - without my mother's knowledge - and misrepresent the party so that my guy friends would say they didn't want to come (or at least, I'm 99.9% sure that's what happened). Either way, my mom told my MIL what she wanted to do for us and instead of saying, "That's not what I had in mind - thanks for asking, but I'll do my own thing for them" she just tried to take over. I'm sorry, but any way you look at it, that isn't right.

And let me reiterate - my mom sat down with me and said she wanted to do something for the baby, Josh and me. She *asked* what I wanted, so I spoke with Josh and we decided that what best fit us was just a party with all of our friends and family there. I would never just up and dictate what I wanted - I was asked...