i want your take on relationships

[dukedogsmom]

A very important thing to discuss before you both get totally taken with each other and progress into being very serious is to discuss your views on having a child. That could be a very big barrier later. I understand it's not for people that have just started dating but wanted to give you that info for a few months or so down the road.

[shutterbug0303]

Good advice floating around on this general board! I totally agree with all of the advice floating around here!

I'm 22 and have been "dating/seeing" the same guy for 6 years now...yesterday was the big 6 yr. anniversary!!! We started dating in high school (he was in 9th, I was in 10th) only to "get away" from the people that were stalking us! lol It is quite funny the way fate works! Anywho...we dating strong and steady from 1999 until 2001 when he got the big idea that he was a senior in high school and should be "single" and have fun! Boys can be so immature! We were both still "together" and dated, although we weren't officially a couple for a year! Neither one of us found anyone else we were even remotely interested in! The one year ann. of our break up, he asked me to be his again No problem since we were basically still together anyway! That was 2002...

Stayed strong (of course we had our bickering, arguments, etc...) until right after my dad died I felt like my life wasn't fair for him and I no longer wanted to hold him back with what was happening in my life. I had become a different person with new responsibilities that he couldn't understand. So I broke it off with him just this past fall. We both took it hard, but we're still "together" and dating each other. Things have started to separate some, but we work together every day and are still the most excellent of friends. We still celebrated our "day" yesterday and are going out this weekend for dinner Is he "the one"??...you know, I'm still working on this! Some days it a definite, some days I'm not so sure!!!

So, trust your feelings, be patient, trust him, understand, and the right thing will happen. I guess this was more of a story than advice and it's missing a million details (six years adds up) but its the gist of things. Best of luck Kari! I hope you and Ben have a blast when he get to SC! Some of my guy's and my best times were when we were separate from each other for a period of time and then got to see each other again! The feeling when you see the other person can't be beat!

[Fox-Gal]

Originally posted by luckies4me
Deep down though, I know he would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship. He loves me too much.

Then there should be no jealousy, right? I know trust is hard for people and even more when they have been hurt, but I still believe with all my heart, that there can not be 100% love if there is jealousy. How could there be if there's even 1% of jealousy holding you back. Holding you back, means holding you back, from fully giving or receiving love.

I'm not talking about, silly little things, like if he looks at another girl and you wonder if he thinks she prettier then you, just as long as you know, even if she is prettier, he still loves/wants you. It's if he looks at the girl and you get that feeling of OMG he's looking at someone else, does that mean he's not happy with me, is he thinking about cheating, etc. That's the kind of jealousy a relationship can't survive.

I just know I have never wasted a sec. of my time worring about what he doing when he's away from me. If I did that it would be a sec. wasted on something I have no control over. It's just a wasted sec. and sec's add up to wasted time. Because even in the end if he was doing something wrong...I can't change it by worring about it, can't stop it from happening, and I surely don't want to push him into it, by showing jealousy.

The biggest reasons a lot of marriages or relationships ends is because of money problems/fights or jealousy and mistrust. You have a greater chance of making it, if you keep those things out of it.

That's just how I look at relationships and how I live mine.

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by Fox-Gal

It's if he looks at the girl and you get that feeling of OMG he's looking at someone else, does that mean he's not happy with me, is he thinking about cheating, etc. That's the kind of jealousy a relationship can't survive.

That does not make me jealous. My take on it is, if he wants to be with someone else he WILL be with someone else. So why worry about it? And I totally agree 100% with everything else you said. I'm happy right now and won't waste my thoughts on stupid things like that. I use too though. I guess you just eventually learn when you get older.

[AbbyMom]

Are lovebirds sweet?

I'm quite a bit older than you and have seen many divorces. So, here are some questions I've collected that you should ask yourself:

Does he always treat you with respect?

(As people get to know each other really well over the years, a lack of respect can grow until it eats up a marriage)

Does he treat his family, especially his mother, with respect?
(Beware of anyone who treats his/her family poorly. Past behavior is indicative of future performance)

Does he pull his fair share of responsibilities around the house or does he expect a female to do that for him?
(I've seen too many women get married, have children and work full time while their husbands enjoy the good life. Eventually they divorce because it's less work.)

Does he leave his clothes lying on the floor? (Doesn't respect himself.)

Does he always tell you the truth?

Does he ever fly into a rage and then apologize profusely later? (DANGER DANGER )

When you're talking about going places or doing things, does he always press for what he wants to do (like a competition?) or does he expect to give in sometimes and not do what he prefers?
(A couple my husband knew divorced because she always gave in to his preferences and then divorced him because she was always doing things she didn't want to do.)

Does he pass the pet test? Does he love your pets and do they love him?

My husband was approved by my RB kitty and we're still married after 28 years.

Good luck to you!

[Glacier]

Trust is the most important thing. If you can't trust him, let him go now. I've been with my husband for seven years now (married for almost 6). I know that when he tells me he is doing something, that's really what he's doing. I know to the bottom of my soul that when goes out for beer with boys, he's really just drinking with his buddies. I sleep well and never have to worry that he would do anything that might hurt me or our relationship.

Prior to being with Stuart, I had several long term relationships. At least once thought he was the "one", but I couldn't trust him and in the end that killed us.

Keep your own friends and your own interests. Life gets boring if you do exactly the same thing with the same person all the time!

Talk about the big issues before you make a serious committment--if religion is an issue for you, find out what faith he would want his kids raised in. My sis is married to JW man. They have a written contract for medical issues regarding their children that was drawn up long before they had children. Find out if he wants kids or not, does that fit with what you want, where does he want to live, what's his relationship like with his family, ect.

And try to hang on to some of that feeling you have now! I still look at my husband sometimes and think "dang, he's hot!"---even though I have days when I'd like to strangle him! (Is it really so hard to empty the lint filter on the dryer!!??)

[luckies4me]

Just wanted to point out that FULLY trusting someone comes with time. You need to get to know eachother first. You can't meet someone and a week later trust them 100% in everything they say. That wouldn't be logically, and wouldn't safe.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by catnapper
Awww... it sounds wonderful! Sounds like you've got a good plan going already.

One thing I always tell people in relationships is to always keep outside interests.

Yeah, i totally agree with you. I've never had an issue keeping my interests, as well as having mutual interests.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by Fox-Gal
catnapper is so right, keep outside interests, that's so important.

Also, I'll tell you what my parents taught me about relationships. ...........Trust 100%, you can't be with, or watch someone 24/7 so you have to trust 24/7...... jealousy and love can not work toghter. If you have the one, you can't have the other, or else it will never last.

The other came from my Father, when as a child I caught him looking at another woman. I told him I was going to tell Mom. lol
He said this. "It's like window shopping, even if you know you bought the best and nothing could ever compair, you still can look at the window, just never buy." lol Again going back to trust.

I agree! Trust is such a huge part. I knew an ex for four years and he was such an untrustworthy person. I was told once that if you can't trust people, it usually means you can't be trusted. I don't know if it's 100% true all the time, but, I know in his case, it was. I think I was alone in his apartment maybe 12 hours the entire four years I knew him, because he wasn't ok with not being there. I stayed with Ben my last week in TX and he gave me his own key the first day. And, would work for eight or more hours, leaving me to my own devices. It was amazing to finally be trusted the way I deserve. I trust him 100%. And, yeah, I'm a window shopper for sure, and, I've never been jealous of my guy doing the same.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by dukedogsmom
A very important thing to discuss before you both get totally taken with each other and progress into being very serious is to discuss your views on having a child. That could be a very big barrier later. I understand it's not for people that have just started dating but wanted to give you that info for a few months or so down the road.

Done. We just talked about kids last night, actually. We have very similar views. We talked about how many, when, our thoughts on physical punishment, all of it.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by shutterbug0303


So, trust your feelings, be patient, trust him, understand, and the right thing will happen.

Thank you for your post, I like the story. I'm sorry that you lost your father, mine was killed in a car accident when I was nine. But, thank you for the thoughts, the line I quoted was my favorite.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by AbbyMom
Does he always treat you with respect?

Does he treat his family, especially his mother, with respect?

Does he pull his fair share of responsibilities around the house or does he expect a female to do that for him?

Does he leave his clothes lying on the floor?

Does he always tell you the truth?

Does he ever fly into a rage and then apologize profusely later?

When you're talking about going places or doing things, does he always press for what he wants to do (like a competition?) or does he expect to give in sometimes and not do what he prefers?

Does he pass the pet test? Does he love your pets and do they love him?

I've asked myself these questions....here are the answers....

yes! he always treats me with respect. it's a lovely thing.

yes! although he isn't very close to his father, he adores his mother. he's not a mama's boy, which i can't stand, but, he admires her and completely respects her. he thinks she is amazing. he was telling me how she's taking trigonometry and calculus in school basically just for fun, and, how he doesn't know how she does it, and, works full time, and, takes his 16-year-old sister two school and all of her extracurricular activities. he said "now, that's admirable." He also adores his sister. he's very close to her.

yes! i don't cook, he does. when i stayed with him that week, he came home every day for lunch to cook for us. i cleaned their entire apartment, which is just what i'm good at. i've always been a good housekeeper.

he does sortof leave his clothes on the floor, but, i guess so do i!

yes, always tells me the truth, even when it hasn't been necessarily what i wanted to hear. i told him i don't lie, and, i can't tolerate being lied to. so, that line has been drawn, and, once it's crossed, i won't go back.

no, i've seen him upset, but, it's tame. my ex boyfriend did that, though! danger is right. loser.

no, it's not a competition when we talk about what to do. we've both already compromised for the other. it just depends on the situation and whose heart is more set on doing something. i told him i can't handle a guy who always does everything i want, and, i didn't want him to always be the navigator, either.

he adores animals. his old dog, julie, lives with his mom and sister, and he's so sweet and gentle with her. he has a cat, mary jane, that he rescued and he loves her to death. and, as for finn. he is great with him. when i hurt my finger and had a hard time with the leash, he would walk him for me. finn wags his entire body when he sees him and cries when he leaves. he has finn's paw of approval.

these are the kinds of questions i know i'll find in that book, but, it's what i want to ask! thanks!

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by Glacier
Trust is the most important thing.

Keep your own friends and your own interests. Life gets boring if you do exactly the same thing with the same person all the time!

Talk about the big issues before you make a serious committment

And try to hang on to some of that feeling you have now!

Hey, thanks, glacier. i've said it already, but, yeah trust is huge. my last two relationships, there was none. i've been lied to and untrusted, but, i don't let it affect me. i know i can trust ben, no matter what someone did in the past.

and, i am so on the boat as far as keeping my own interests. i have never met anyone that could convince me that i only needed them in my life. i gotta have some girls, too!

also, we have been trying, every time we talk, to ask eachother big questions. we try to spend the day thinking of what to ask eachother when we talk at night. it's been interesting!

and, yeah, i hope in 80 years, he still does this thing where he puts his forehead against mine and looks at me with his incredible green eyes. ugh, i'm sure i'll love that just as much.

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by luckies4me
Just wanted to point out that FULLY trusting someone comes with time. You need to get to know eachother first. You can't meet someone and a week later trust them 100% in everything they say. That wouldn't be logically, and wouldn't safe.

I am not agreeing or disagreeing, but, i think that's just different for different people. i'm one of those people that trust everyone until they prove that they're untrustworthy. even with all the crappy, lying, backstabbing, untrustworthy people that have let me down. i feel i deserve to be trusted, and, therefore i trust everyone. again, it's let me down time and time again, but, it's one thing i refuse to compromise on. but, again, i see your point, too. it can be dangerous, but, i'm willing to risk it. it's one of those things, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. and, i'm freakin' paul bunyan sometimes, i swear. ha ha.

[Oggyflute]

Kari this guy sounds really good. He has love and respect for you, he cooks, he loves dogs. Ok all blokes can be a bit slobbish at times, it's in our nature I think. But with subtle training I'm sure you can overcome that problem. Carole has worked at me for seven years and I'm a fairly neat person now (of course my bachelor pad is a distant memory ). I think I might have mentioned this in another thread but if this fellow is the one that you want to be with when things are bad, then he is most likely your life partner. It's your partners love that will sustain you through the hard times.
I'm sure it will work out for you. Go for it girl.