Calling all Grammy's Turned Secondhand Mommy! HELP!

[catmandu]

Wow,does that ever soundlike a recipe,for disaster,and I would try,to get custody,of that Little One.I wouldnt leave Scratchy,with that Girl,and I am not fond,of Scratchy,at all.I am sure,that you brought her up,right,but there are so amny people,who choose,tolive thier lives,as adult children,taking no responsibility,for the things that they do,and the chioces,that they make.And your granddaughter,deserves a lot better.Prayers,are on thier way,from The Found Cat Hotel.

[kuhio98]

My opinion ~ feel free to disregard since I've never raised a child (unless you count Kuhio)

Do not deny your daughter the opportunity to fail. Haven't we all learned invaluable lessons when our lack of planning turned into a disaster? Unless you are allowed to make those mistakes, you never learn the lessons. You never learn to recover from your bad decisions. Digging yourself out of your own mess gives you confidence in your abilities. Do not deny her a chance to learn these lessons.

I know your heart is in the right place. You don't want Jenna to pay for Amy Beth's lack of judgement. That will be very hard (if not impossible) to watch. But, unless Jenna's life is in danger, I wouldn't step in and rescue Amy Beth from anything. It will only delay her maturity further and she'll resent you in the long run. Did anyone step between you and Amy Beth when she was a baby if you were in danger of losing it? Or did you learn to take a moment until you calmed down?

I'd let her bills pile up. I'd stop reminding her about her drivers license. And I wouldn't bail her out when she gets pulled over for driving without a license. (Try to refrain from saying "I told you so" when it happens ~ but I'd be saying it my head. ) Maybe that's what it will take for her to begin maturing.

Are there any parenting classes she might take? Perhaps a group of young women in her same situation could help her see that she needs to change and develop for herself and for Jenna's future.

It's called tough love. Some people don't learn unless they get into a bad situation. They never learn if someone bails them out of it every time.

My brother has a similar story. He's 41 and still lives with Mommy. He will never leave. He does not have the skills and confidence to make it on his own. He never developed them. He never had to. You don't want that to happen with Amy Beth. She needs to learn confidence and independence. Even if that means that you don't see her or Jenna as much. They will be happier people in the long run.

My 2 cents. Easy for me to say since I've never raised children and I live thousands of miles away.

Kim, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Oh Kim, I had no idea things were like this with Amy Beth. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.

However, I have to agree with Kuhio, and you also have to take my advice with a grain of salt since I, too, have never had a child of my own. It is so tough to see your child having a difficult time and it's so much easier for you to bail them out. But that has to stop somewhere/sometime. I was quite the rebel in my youth and I know I broke my mom's heart more than once. She let me know her and my dad would be there if I needed them, but she also let me know that I had to do this on my own and learn my own lessons - life wise and financial wise.

I know you're not over flowing with money to be helping her with all her bills, so let her know that you will help, but she has to take responsibility herself. For instance, do not help with traffic fines or anything like that. If she gets pulled over for not having a license, let her deal with all the consequences, even if that means sitting in jail overnight. If she spends money foolishly on clothes and silly things, do not help her with that. Help with things like food for Jenna and household expense type things - necessities - but also let her know that you are not going to be paying these in full and she can't blow all her money on partying and such and neglect her household bills.

Maybe these last three days have taught her a little, and hopefully she will really give herself and Chad a chance. Continue to be there to support her, but also let her know you're not going to let her walk all over you. And like Kuhio says, don't do everything in your power to protect Jenna. If Amy Beth sees that she is hurting her daughter, that might just be the biggest incentive in the world for her to get her act together - although it will be the hardest thing in the world for you to stand back and watch. She has to fall and pick herself up on her own before the learning will really begin.

Good luck, sweetie, and big {{{hugs}}} to help you get through all this.

[catnapper]

How are things going today? All I can say is {{{HUGS}}} Things will get better and someday your daughter will be saying that Jenna's the one who needs some sense! Thats the thought that gets me through the toughest days... someday they will be dealing with similar struggles with their own kids.

[Barbara]

Kim I am so sorry. You have the best of hearts. But I also have to agree with Kuhio and Debbie.

I know that it is tough but you have to take care of yourself and Amy Beth will have to take a certain responsibilty (and looking at her I know she can basically do this!) This is independent on whether her life will continue with Chad or not....... It should continue anyway with Jenna.

All the best for all of you!

[rg_girlca]

I'm sorry for the delay in my response Kim.

Kuhio & Debbie have basically written what I was going to say also. So there is no point in repeating it.

I would just like to add that I wish you and your family the best of luck in this stressful situation and keeping you in my prayers.

((((((HUGS)))))) Kim.

[Corinna]

I had to wait and think about my answer before I did. I'm sorry for this after you were so excited for the coming of Jenna. Could you just tell AMy Beth she should chareish every minute with Jenna. She got to have her baby. My daughter was pegnat the same time as her (in fact Lee should have been born on the 31st of this month.) I only got to see my grand son in the bottom of a speciman cup after he was born at 14 weeks. She and you both get to hold your girl. It hurts so much to hear these things when you have such a joy . Shake some sense in to Amy Beth she has such a gift , she should never take it for granted. My daughter and her husband would give anything to have their son to hold.