Why make the choice to not have children?

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

I'm in the group who have never really liked kids and don't feel comfortable around them. In high school all my friends were making spending money by baby sitting, and I just didn't "see" it. I did babysit a few times and was miserable the whole time, just sitting there waiting for the parents to come home and take me home and get me out of my misery.

However, even after saying all that, after high school I was still of the mind that I would get married and have babies. My plan was that I wanted to be married a few yeas before having the first one. I wanted to have 3 of them and have them all by the time I was 30. Sorry, no offense to anyone, but I can't see being 60 years old and having a teenager on my hands - ugh. So anyway, that was my plan for kids. The biggest problem was that the first step was to get married, and here I am 42 years old, and that still hasn't happened! And I've never had the maternal instinct strong enough to say that I want a baby no matter if I'm married or not. Then, by the time I was in my mid 30's, I knew there would be no kids in my future because I was too old (see statement above about teenagers at 60). Theeeenn I met Terry and he has no kids either, and has no desire for them (x-wife was pregnant and had a mis-carriage long time ago. He contributed it to agent orange in Vietnam so he didn't want to take a chance again) so we have two kitties as our kids - and that's just fine by the both of us.

Another however, I did tell him when we first started dating that no, I didn't want kids, but if I were to get pregnant there was no way I was having an abortion, so if that happened, we were having a kid whether we liked it or not. Of course I know we would both be great parents if it did happen, and we would both love the little snot to no end, but by this time, if it does happen it's pretty much a miracle and obviously really meant to happen, and I think I'll just leave it at that.

Oh, and one last reason I don't want them is I think I'm just way too selfish. I am not one to live my life for someone else, and I think that's the way you have to do it if you have kids. So many of your decisions are made based on their needs instead of your own. I guess I'm not willing to give myself up that much.

[neko1]

I have no desire whatsoever to have children. I do not like children, even when I was a child I didn't like kids. I have no patience for them, and yes I am selfish too, I like my sleep, my time, my things. Screaming, whiney kids give me a headache. I don't find babies ultra-cute, they're just there to me. Now on the other hand, if I saw a dog or cat, I'd be smiling and happy. My cats are my kids and that's enough for me.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Jen...you have been in my head! Those are exactly the reason I have chosen to be childless...(CBC...childless by choice.) One other as well....I knew I would not be a good mother. I believe parenting to be the most difficult job around. Just as I do not have the skills to play the piano, I do not have the skills to parent a child. I also think more people should think long and hard about whether they have those skills and WHY they want children. I see way too many people who have children who don't appear to be doing a stellar job of parenting.

A friend of mine reminds me that at 12 I announced I would not have children. I have changed one diaper in my life and that is enough. When people ask me if I "want to hold the baby" I am baffled as to why I would want to do such a thing.

I'm willing to settle for my immortality to be a park bench somewhere that has my name and invites the passerby to sit a while, I've got no place to go!

[ILoveReptiles]

Well I am another one in the crew that just doesn't care for children at all. I especially do not like babies. Just looking at a baby makes my skin crawl. I don't care for that sour milk/vomit smell that always seems to eminate from their bodies, nor can I tolerate the sounds they make.

My reptiles however, I simply adore, and fawn over all the time.

Squealing bratty kids drive me up the wall, and the first thing I want to do is run in the opposite direction. I don't like it when kids stare at me, I get extremely annoyed.

Kids just aren't for me. I don't have the patience to deal with them, and I just don't like them. Period. I am also not willing to give up the time, money, and energy required to raise a child to adulthood. I have alcoholism on both sides of my family as well, and that's a risk I also don't want to take, as alcoholism is genetically passed on. I've seen what my parents and sister are going through from it and to that I say - no thank you - I don't want to deal with that.

The way I see it - if you don't want to be a parent, you shouldn't be one - and nobody should even think they have the right to try to goad you into it.

Thinking back, I don't recall there ever being a time that I liked kids - even when I was one myself. I didn't like any of the kids that I went to school with - I thought they were heartless and cruel. I do remember the days before I stumbled upon No Kidding - when I believed that I didn't have a choice, that one day I would have children whether I liked it or not. I was horrified by the very idea, but I had been brainwashed into believing that it was my place as a woman, and that was how my worth in society would be measured. You can imagine my relief and happiness when I discovered NoKidding, and found that I DO have a choice. It wasn't long after realizing this that I scheduled my Tubal Ligation.

There's also the fact that given the sheer number of human beings on the planet right now, and the fact that the earth is far beyond its carrying capacity to sustain life for the long term, I thought it best that I not add to the problem. I also get annoyed when people try to tell me that there IS no population problem. They couldn't be farther from the truth. And preaching that god will provide somehow just doesn't fly too far with me. Then again, I'm a self-proclaimed Agnostic, whom at this point is bordering on Aethism, so in that respect, I have my own opinions. That is a whole other topic though.

I'm 30 now and I got sterilized when I was 29. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. I hope this answers your question.

[CathyBogart]

Originally posted by Tubby & Peanut's Mom
Oh, and one last reason I don't want them is I think I'm just way too selfish. I am not one to live my life for someone else, and I think that's the way you have to do it if you have kids. So many of your decisions are made based on their needs instead of your own. I guess I'm not willing to give myself up that much.

Hey now, that's not selfish at all! That's just you living your life how you want to...which is the same thing a good parents does...the life they want to lead includes children, so they go for it!

I'm trying to find the better list, but here's a quick list of some of the top reasons people choose to have kids. (I'm not applying this to anyone here, I know there are a lot of people here who had kids because they genuinely wanted them and wanted the experience of raising them, and that's what the world needs more of!)

1) They want an heir.
2) They want to carry on their family name.
3) They want a miniature version of themselves.
4) They want someone to take care of them when they're old. (even though now this rarely ever happens)
5) They want a second chance.
6) They need children to fulfill their lives somehow.

Note that all of these start with "they want". I'm very frustrated that I can't find the other list, but it listed some of the reasons people chose not to have children and it looked something like this:

1) The world is too overpopulated already.
2) They don't feel they would be able to provide adequately as a parent.
3) They feel that the world today is not a good place to bring a child into.
4) An inheritable disease runs in their family.
5) They grew up in an abusive situation, and are afraid they would continue the cycle.
6) They don't have a partner to help raise the kids.

Now, there are those Childfree like myself who would be classified as "Evil child-haters" most of the time, but the vast majority are not. Heck, I can think of four childfree folks off the top pf my head who are teachers, and LOVE their students, but at the same time are grateful to let them go home at the end of the day.

[ramanth]

I'm on the side that has this 'maternal' instinct and I hope someday I can have kids.

It really stings though when the subject is brought up and someone is like, "Oh I hate kids. Why would you want to have a baby?" and look at me like I'm going to give birth to a lethal virus.

I respect others decision to not want to have children... could you at least offer me the same respect?

[ILoveReptiles]

Originally posted by ramanth
I'm on the side that has this 'maternal' instinct and I hope someday I can have kids.

It really stings though when the subject is brought up and someone is like, "Oh I hate kids. Why would you want to have a baby?" and look at me like I'm going to give birth to a lethal virus.

I respect others decision to not want to have children... could you at least offer me the same respect?

Ahh - I see now maybe someone understands how us C.F. feel when we're ridiculed for NOT wanting to have a baby, and given the third degree in questions pertaining to why.

Maybe when the C.F. lifestyle choice is respected and not ostracized by society, the CF will start being more respectful of those who choose to procreate.

I myself don't ask these kind of questions, but apparently, you've met some people who do. However, I have been the recipient of the "why not? (what's wrong with you?)" line of questioning, and it irritates me to no end.

[CathyBogart]

Originally posted by ramanth
It really stings though when the subject is brought up and someone is like, "Oh I hate kids. Why would you want to have a baby?" and look at me like I'm going to give birth to a lethal virus.

I respect others decision to not want to have children... could you at least offer me the same respect?

I'm sorry that people have said things like this to you...but do please try to understand that a lot of people don't respect OUR decision either.

It can be frustrating and demeaning to hear day after day "You'll change your mind" "it's different when it's your own" "It'll change when you meet the right man" (I still hear this even though I'm engaged!) "Oh that's so SELFISH", "Who will take care of you when you're old?" "You don't really know what love is until you have a child!" "What if your parents thought the same way?" "Children are our future!" "You were a child once, too!" and a thousand other things that build up and after time a thick wall of resentment is formed.

90% of society backs your decision to have children, and a lot o the time it seems that the childfree only have ourselves. I do agree that the response you have gotten was rude and inappropriate, and I hope this may open one or two peoples' eyes to the fact that niether side likes to be demeaned.

[Logan]

Children are a blessing from God, at least in my humble opinion. Are they always easy? No way! When you have the maternal instinct, and recognize the joy of bringing new life into this world, no smelly diaper or throw up is going to discourage you! When you hear the first word, watch you baby sit up for the first time, and take that first step, it is an awesome experience!!!!! It is just as joyous to watch your child learn and grow, and experience new things. My child, thankfully, has a love for life, and she dives into everything made available to her! She hasn't been as successful at some than others, but that is the whole reason to give her the opportunity to experience as much as possible so that she can make these decisions.

Would CF mean "child free", I Love Reptiles? It is not an abbreviation that I am familiar with. I respect your decision to not have children, but I also hope and pray that others in your situation will take the time and energy to ensure that they won't be bringing unwanted life into this world, not by abortion, but by other birth control methods, as you did. I am certainly not condemning your decision, but am applauding you for taking a responsible approach when you reached your decision.

Logan

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Originally posted by ramanth
It really stings though when the subject is brought up and someone is like, "Oh I hate kids. Why would you want to have a baby?" and look at me like I'm going to give birth to a lethal virus.

Kimmy, I'm so sorry some people are rude enough to say something like that. I can understand people wanting kids and I'm actually grateful somebody else wants to so I don't have to.

I'd be curious to see how many of the "young ones" here actually end up with kids. My best friends sister was an adamant kid-hater at one point. She went so far as to actually pop kids balloons with the hot tip of her cigarette at a outdoor fair type thing. She did it for the pure pleasure of seeing the kids cry - now she has two of her own and loves and adores them as much as any mother could. The thing of it is though, that she is still not able to put up with kids' cr*p, so her two are well behaved and actually a pleasure to have around - as compared to most of the brats out there today who are just too precious to be disciplined.

Anyway, didn't mean to go off an a rant, I just wish people could be polite and tolerant of others' choices - no matter if that's regarding having kids or which car to drive or what religion to practice or whether to have a cat or a dog or.....

[catlover4ever]

I actually felt that I had no maternal instinct almost all of my life. I felt that children were obnoxious, rude and just plain a real pain. I am an only child and did not have alot of contact to other children let alone babies.

I have never in my entire life felt comfortable around children until
my best friend had a baby and at 31 years old I realized that as I held Victoria, she was the first baby I EVER held in my ENTIRE LIFE!!!! and there WAS an actual connection.

Mark and I actually have tried for 2 years to have a baby but unfortunately or maybe fortunately it is not possible for us.

Most people would be crushed if they were trying so hard and then find out that it is not possible. I figure it was always in God's hands anyway....so maybe God has always meant for me to not have strong feelings for children because I'm not meant to have them.

I wish my in-laws could understand where I'm coming from. They do not like the fact that I beleive that God has a plan for each and every one of us and that this is HIS plan for Mark and I and we are both FINE with it. Afterall, we have been married 11 years and we have now become "set in our ways" and when we sit down and discuss it, we are actually releived that it was not possible to have them....we will just spoil all our nieces and nephews.

[ramanth]

Yeah, ignorance all around sucks.

I had a friend growing who was so adament that she wasn't going to have children, then one day calls me up out of the blue and she's married with a baby. We sat down and reminised about how she was so convinced she'd never have kids and now can't imagine why she felt that way.

I'm happy for her and I'm also happy for the friends that are still CF.

A baby is a big step and a huge responsability. I commend all those who take the time to decide if they want kids or not. It's no ones buisness except for that mother to be or not to be.

[shais_mom]

I respect those that do not want children, and I respect those that do. My feeling that those that have them now, are making up for me that does not.
I always babysat, I actually like kids for the most part. My nephews drive me nuts sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. Just as I wouldn't trade being a Pet Mommy for anything.
I too in high school pictured myself getting married and being a young mom, then I got into college, and envisioned myself having a place of my own, and a dog, and at least a boyfriend. Then I graduated college with no man in sight, and now 6 years later, STILL no man in site! But I have a dog and a cat that I would have never thought I would have!
Like I said, I respect those that don't want them, but I don't respect people being hatey about it (NOT IN THIS THREAD JUST IN GENERAL) and thinking they are better then those who do have children. B/c so many people are devastated b/c they can't have children, I know it hurts them. And I don't respect people who DO have or WANT children and are hatey to those that don't.
Case in point: I was helping xray a child one afternoon and the mom (about 23-25 years old) kept asking me if anything was wrong, I told her about 4 times I can't tell you anything, Legally I can't, the dr. has to do it.
After we were done, I was walking her to the ER and she asked me again if anything was wrong and for the 5th (at least) time I said "legally I can not tell you anything, If I tell you something is wrong that isn't or vice versa, I could lose my job and my license and my livlihood." She SNAPPED at me "do you have kids" I said "No" she said "Well that explains it" Now what did I do to deserve that?
And I see way to many things in my job which doesn't even directly involve children like those of social workers etc. ( And is in a very very small town- I can't imagine what It is like for those in bigger cities) that makes me so mad that people don't have to have a license to reproduce. Kids getting shut in a dryer by their older brother when mom left for 30 min, the sweeeeetest little 3 year old boy, that did whatever I told him to do, and came to Xray all by his big boy self, was being raised by his aunt and uncle b/c his mom just didn't want him and gave him to them. And the little 7 year old girl whose mom was so drunk she couldn't remember her name but was driving around. And when we tried to ask the little girl questions she said "you better leave me alone and do what she says (her mom) or she will come after you" while the mom is verbally and physically abusing the sheriff, the dr, and the nurses. And SCREAMING "get away from her I will get YOU".
THIS is just a small drop in the bucket of what is wrong with society today. But I digress off the topic, and I apologize. But boy did that feel good!

[Kater]

At this time I would say that I am undecided about having children. If I do decide to have kids I know that I will adopt some if not all of them. I also know that if I do have kids it will be something I carefully plan.

Like Sara and others I believe parenting to be the most difficult job around. The decision to have children is huge and affects your life tremendously. I can’t make a decision like that now when my future is so unknown. I can see myself in a good place to have children ten or more years from now, but I can also see myself never having children of my own. Perhaps if I was extremely passionate about it then I would vow to make it work, whatever the future may hold, but it seems I am not extremely passionate one way or another.

As a child and teenager I always spent a lot of time around kids, babysitting and just gravitating towards them in general. I enjoy being around kids and for the most part they enjoy my company too. I used to play with baby dolls, play house, etc. But I feel a lot of that just has to do with “societal norms” being the only way of life children are aware of. I think now that I realize this truly is a choice and one to be taken very seriously, I’m scared and less sure of myself.

But my choice, one way or the other, does not take away from the fact that I love children and think they are great fun to be around. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t continue to work in childcare!

[ILoveReptiles]

Originally posted by Logan
Would CF mean "child free", I Love Reptiles? It is not an abbreviation that I am familiar with. I respect your decision to not have children, but I also hope and pray that others in your situation will take the time and energy to ensure that they won't be bringing unwanted life into this world, not by abortion, but by other birth control methods, as you did. I am certainly not condemning your decision, but am applauding you for taking a responsible approach when you reached your decision.

Logan

Thank you, Logan. And even though I do whole-heartedly support a woman's right to choose, I don't approve of abortion as a method of birth control. It should only be a last resort if all other preventative measures fail.

To answer your question, though - Yes, CF does mean ChildFree.