I have a problem...

[Pinot's Mom]

I have an issue which, in the grand scheme of life is very small, but ...

My friend and her 17 year old daughter (who is also my Goddaughter) are staying with us for a two and a half months. She and her husband are starting a new life in New Mexico, they bought a LARGE piece of land with no structures, her husband is out there getting things started before she moves out there. Simplified greatly; but enough background.

We have been friends for 30 years, as some of our group of friends have been. Regardless of our feelings toward this couple (which is great fondness; they are wonderful people), many of us stopped eating at their house, or really going there, because of their lack of hygiene. They just don't feel the same about cleanliness, especially in the kitchen, as the rest of us. The problem is now she is living here and she wants to help as much as possible. She wants to cook for us, but her habits are unsanitary and unhealthy. She doesn't wash her hands after ANYTHING, and doesn't clean things well at all.

My question is - do I say something to her now that we're directly affected? It really bothers me, but she's such a good friend, I just don't know. Any thoughts?

[Alysser]

Of course, being that it is your house and you are doing them a huge favor by letting them stay there, you need to say something. However, you don't need to be mean about it, and obviously you won't be, so there should be no reason that she be mad. Maybe say something like "well....at our place we do things differently". No need to worry about her getting angry...or she won't have a place to stay for 2 and a half months otherwise.

[Freedom]

A 2.5 months house guest who WANTS to help?! THAT is amazing!

I like Alysser's suggestion, saying "We like things done a particular way . . . . " Do any of you have allergies, asthma? What about Pinot? Blame it on that if you like, that it is medically NECESSARY.

Or, get her doing other things like laundry, vacuuming, and such.

[Asiel]

I think I would go along with Freedom -- steer your friend in another direction , like vacuuming, dusting, doing the bed linens and towels. I think it's easier than having to tell her straight out you don't want her help in the kitchen.. I don't think I could do it myself, I would be so afraid of offending and maybe losing a friend of 30 yrs.
Maybe she could even do some errands, whatever she does, impress on her what a help it is to you.

[Karen]

Just tell her plainly, "We have certain standards for health reasons. If you want, I can teach you more sanitary food preparation, and it'll serve you well for the rest of your life! Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm just guessing no one ever taught you any different, so here's your chance to learn, okay? Feel free to ask all the questions you want, and if I do something you don't understand, I'll be glad to explain it."

You can mention that, to give an excuse, at your age you need to be careful about things, as your immune system is not as strong as hers.

[kitten645]

I would just point her in a different direction and just say "I'm really picky about my food and I'd prefer to do this myself. Can you ...do laundry, buy groceries, clean the bathroom, etc" Maybe a list of chores for everyone? Boundries are always good.

[Sowa]

Honestly, if someone had a problem with me I would rather them tell me. Depending on what it was, I may be upset or something at the time but I'd still want to know so I could fix it. Usually after I think about it I understand where the person is coming from. That's just me though.