Opinions...please help...

[Dorothy39]

caseysmom, You certainly have your hands full right now.

I'm so sorry that you have been "appointed" Sergeant!!!


I have drawn up contracts with my own children, and, they helped my children realize that self assertiveness can nurture positive growth!!!


Take it one day at a time.

[caseysmom]

If my brother wasn't dead I would kill him! How's that for keeping my sense of humor

[lizbud]

Well, after reading the PM you sent me, perhaps you should include a
caveat with your next thread. Something like "Opinions please help" except
anyone with an honest opinion that is not at all in line with what I already
plan to do or not do. I want to vent only, not really looking for opinions.

[catnapper]

If my brother wasn't dead I would kill him! How's that for keeping my sense of humor

LOL... my husband has health issues which he prefers to ignore and I tell him that I'll kill him if he dies on me!

I really do understand where you are coming from. My cousin Denise sounds just like your neice. You want to protect her at the same time you want to kick her in the rear! Vent all you want sweetie!

[caseysmom]

Thanks Kim, I don't mind opinions...just don't want to be told "well you already knew" Yeah I knew but I am hurting and need to talk.

[jazzcat]

I understand where you are coming from. I care for my stubborn 84 year old father who has dementia/alzheimer's. I can totally relate to needing to vent. I know that I must be careful of who I vent in front of because it sounds like I don't realize he has a problem. I do know that and I don't need anyone pointing it out to me but sometimes you can only take so much and you need to let it out. I've learned to not vent to some of my family because they take it as I need them to solve the problem - no - sometimes their suggestionss are even more frustrating and all I need is someone who understands to lend a sympathic ear.

I hope that you find a way to get through to her. Maybe the 'rules' is something to try. I doubt it will hurt anything and hopefully it will work. I'm sending you lots of good thoughts and vibes!!!

[Dorothy39]

caseysmom, You have every right to vent your despair, on Pet Talk.

We care and understand your frustration. Your niece reminds me of my one of my own nieces!!!!

Trust me, If Pet Talk existed when I took care of her, you would have read the same thread posted by ME!!!!!!


You can only do your very best~~~ So, pat yourself on the back for Knowing that you Raised your hand, when your name was called, for a job you didn't even want!!!


Postive thoughts and prayers for you!!!!!

[Muddy4paws]

I think Karen has the right idea, definatly set the rules now because she is walking all over you and she must obviously know it, my little brother even knows you dont leave rooms in a mess especially when you have made it and hes 9 years old.

I would defiantly write up a list as Karen suggested or make her pay rent or move out, no one else would put up with the kind of behaviour so you definatly deserve to be treated better seeing all you have done for her.

[Logan]

I'm glad I read the whole thread before I responded......I obviously missed or forgot your first thread.

Start over with her. Show her how to operate the washing machine and dryer and explain why it is important for her to be able to use it herself. Do the same with every other chore in your home that you expect her to do for herself, even if you have to do it, over and over.

I can't begin to understand the depth of her problems, but perhaps you are exactly what she needs. Someone to be tough, yet patient, with her.

I wish you the best of luck.

Logan

[Lizzie]

I've followed this from the start, but haven't posted anything since I've never been in such a situation. I just kept thinking that I was glad it wasn't me, and it's as well for your niece that it wasn't me.

You say that she is good at book learning and Karen suggested writing up a list of rules. Some people need to have things written down in order to assimilate them well so I agree with others that this is your best approach. Go into detail, she must be used to written details if she has passed her pharmacy tech. exam. If you have to, write out a response if she doesn't follow the rules. "On September 19, you failed to wash your laundry. You accepted that you have to do your own laundry when you signed the agreement."

She reminds me of a co-worker who is very book smart but utterly hopeless about remembering details, preferring to lean on me to go over them time after time. I don't. I refer her to the written instructions. She can discuss philosphy with professors and then can't remember in which order to emcee a meeting, even though she's done it 12 times before. She needs to lean on people. And I think she forgets details that simply don't interest her. Perhaps your niece is conveniently "forgetting" things she doesn't want to do.

[caseysmom]

Thanks everyone. I don't know how much is "wrong with her" or her mom raising her with remarks about how we are rich (i know she thought that) how we are liberal, etc etc.

She made a comment about how my mom (her grandma) went to hawaii every year...this was totally false I said grandma went to Hawaii ONCE.

Her mom had no social skills and it seems like my brother was too lazy to intervene...

[Cataholic]

Maybe I am guilty of oversimplifying things. Maybe. But, is there any chance she really doesn't get what is going on? If I were raised in an enviroment where nothing was expected of me, and unless I spent alot of time with other responsible, mature adults/kids, I just wouldn't get it.

So, any chance of a sit-down, non confrontational talk? Maybe, "(insert name), I realize this all must be pretty overwhelming for you. You lost your dad (and mom??), had to move in with me, and things are hectic here with me and my kids. How are you feeling? What can I do to help you (yes, I said to help her, as she is still the younger person, you still the adult)". Maybe there is just a communication issue? Maybe she sees things vastly different? Maybe she doesn't realize what is going on? OR, maybe she is just a manipulative, non-caring, evil person. We do have those in the world today.

But, until you have gotten a sense of where she is from, I can't see how you will know the path to take.

It seems that she has some mental health issues, and I don't seem to be able to move past that. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I am sorry, but, I feel really, really sorry for her.

[caseysmom]

I feel sorry for her too. That is the only thing that has kept me going being the administrator of the estate, etc.

I am not sure how to get her mental health evaluated since she is an adult, she seems to have a lot of symptom of aspergers, she is CONSTANTLY touching and picking at her face.

The lady at the church had her for 5 days and called me and screamed that she couldn't take it, she was physically and metally exhausted.

I wonder if the stress did my brother in at 51, don't mean it to sound so cruel but it must have been difficult for him working a lot of hours to put food on the table and she would not touch anything in that house.

edit to add I don't really think she is a manipulative evil person at least I don't see that.

[carole]

Gosh i really feel for you in this sensitive situation, because that is what it is really isn't it, here you have a young lady with no social skills ,maybe some mental problems and no idea how to deal with it all, i would say it would be over-whelming, i sure would not like to be in your shoes either, i would also imagine she is grieving for the loss of her father too.

I think saying you should kick her out, is heartless, we would not do that to a stray animal here on PT, and i know there is no way you are even thinking that way at this stage,hang on in there if you can.

I think your best bet is to get some professional help , they may beable to give your ideas how to deal with her, getting her evaluated would make sense first though, as then you would know exactly what you are dealing with, i hope things work out and i admire your courage taking her on, thank goodness she has you to turn to, good luck.

[Husky15]

Well, she definitely should be helping around the house. It's only right. But if her father just died she could be going through depression or just very not happy at this time. But it wouldn't hurt to help you around the house.