Our PT joke thread

[cassiesmom]

A gentle Halloween joke...

Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!

[Louie and me]

A man turned on his computer and was horrified to read:
YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH THE AMISH VIRUS!!!!!
Until he read:
Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus depends on the honor system. Please start deleting all your files immediately.
Thank you.

[momcat]

A gentle Halloween joke...

Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!

Hi Elyse,

Q: What do ghosts like to eat for breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties and evaporated milk.

[wombat2u2004]

Two Aussies, Bob and Wombat, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Wom stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the
lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Wom immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean
into Fosters beer."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Bob looked disgustedly at Wom whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Bob said,
"Nice going Wom! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[SWHouston]

Walter and Thibodeaux had served in the Military together, but when they got out, Walter returned to Colorado, and Thibodeaux to southern Louisiana.

One day, Walter was reading the paper, and saw where they had widened the Bayous for two way traffic, in the Parish that Thibodeaux lived in, and called him.

Tee-Boy, Walter ask, WHY in the world have ya'll been widening your Bayous,
those Pirogue you row around in, aren't that big !

Shoenough Walt, Thibodeaux said, it ain't for de Pirogue,
it be fo de Alligators !



Have a good Day !
S.W.

[Grace]

This should prove helpful to everyone -


Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[kokopup]

> ----->Giving Up Chocolate

>
> I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
>
> I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'
>
> 'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.
>
> 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
>
> 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
>
> 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
>
> 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
>
> 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
>
> The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
>
> I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
>
>
> Now don't laugh.
>
>
>
>

[lizbud]

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... ???


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.


In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL

UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!

[Cataholic]

@Lizbud...omg. I can now retire for the evening, with laughter in my heart.

[wombat2u2004]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psyc't. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
How much do you charge?'
Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.
I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


SCREW THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

[wombat2u2004]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.



The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn't this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Not a lot of people know this.

[cassiesmom]

[Lilith Cherry]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
---------------------------

[Lilith Cherry]

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have.....

Disturbed You,
Troubled You,
Pestered You,
Irritated You,
Bugged You,
or got on your Nerves!!
So today, I just wanted to tell you....

Suck it up Cupcake! Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2011

[wombat2u2004]

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have.....

Disturbed You,
Troubled You,
Pestered You,
Irritated You,
Bugged You,
or got on your Nerves!!
So today, I just wanted to tell you....

Suck it up Cupcake! Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2011

Bummer