Tina, try not to be so hard on yourself. I notice your first reaction is to blame yourself for things and feel bad. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for support, don't feel guilty about saying how you feel. I know it's hard, it becomes a habit to blame yourself for everything, you just have to push that tendency away as much as you can. I'm a semi-reformed self-blamer and I know how suffocating it can feel at times. Hang in there