One of my friends is having a similar problem with her 13 years old daughter, similar in that she is "testing" the limits in a huge way (she has not attempted to sneak out of the house....yet).

Sometimes, I think that some 3rd party intervention may be the best solution. I was thinking that perhaps a family counselor or even a minister could hold a frank discussion with all 3 of you, together, and moderate, and help you and your husband with a way to handle the situation. I know that one thing my friend told me is that the counselor reminded her to NOT react in an argumentative way because it was going to push her daughter further away from her. He said if she had to lock herself in the bathroom for two hours, to do it, rather than starting a screaming match with an already upset daughter, and that they shouldn't try to talk with her until everyone was calm. I think you have to get to the bottom of the "why is she doing this" question before you can start the healing. And you and your husband need to be on the same page, for sure.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.