Audrey.. look at the title you chose for yourself under your user name. Perfection. I think that sums up what you expect of yourself and what is impossible to be, because no one is able to be perfect. You're very very down on yourself. When you post your creative art work, you almost always put yourself down along with posting it. I think you have the feelings I used to have a lot, and still sometimes do. It's "safer" to be down on yourself and put yourself down on things rather than feel good about it only to have someone else criticize it and put it down. It's easier to deal with hurt and disappointment if you do it to yourself first or come into the situation looking to be hurt or disappointed.

I'm sorry if this isn't making a lot of sense, it is hard to put into words. These are things I look back and see, not things I saw at the time really. I know it can be a self-perpetuating cycle. I know I would feel so down on myself and it would seem like people didn't really like me. Meanwhile people around me would pick up on my negativity and it made them uncomfortable so they withdrew from me, therefore making me feel even more alone and down on myself. If you are like me, just the thought of my friend thinking I was quitter would make it a more anguishing decision, but like others have said, there is NOTHING wrong with doing what you need to to help yourself. What other people think really doesn't matter. I still have to tell myself that sometimes too, but you know after you build up some confidence in yourself and in your convictions, people will question those convictions less and less.

I believe the urge to hurt yourself is the desire to have some outlet for the pain that is trapped inside you. A physical pain is something you could actually see and deal with, whereas the pain you are dealing with now makes you feel helpless and out of control. As hard as it may be, and I know you are trying, you must find a different outlet than this. If you give into it, you will feel so ashamed and awful afterwards that it will be even harder. Please be as strong as you can in this, and don't give in to it.

You may just have to go through the motions at first of being positive, being kinder to yourself in your thoughts and words. After awhile, you will realize you actually are starting to feel better about yourself. It will take work, a very conscious effort. Force yourself when you are showing someone some art you just did to say what you like about it, and not what you don't like about it. Do not let yourself say "well I suck at it" or things like that. It will be hard.. I wish I could tell you it was easy but it's not, but I can tell you it does GET easier, and after awhile you start going through life in a more positive way, it actually becomes habit!

I personally always found it more soothing to talk to my mother (who was also very supportive like your Dad) or my best friend than to a therapist being paid to listen to me, but if you find one you really like you might really gain a lot out of it. If you feel it isn't doing anything however, don't blame yourself. My Mom understood the most because she herself had suffered depressions before too, I found it easier to talk to someone who could really relate, and who I knew really cared for me personally. You have a lot of friends here and people who care. I would advise not to try to talk about it with the friends who might be judgemental or if you know they will make you feel worse. Focus on taking care of yourself, talk to people you know who won't judge and criticize you, but most important make it a habit to be easy on yourself, to be positive and focus on all the good things about you.

I wish there was more I could do to help you. Feel free to PM me anytime too though, even if you just would want to know about some of the things I personally went through. Sometimes it just helps knowing you aren't alone.