Originally posted by [email protected]
How many of you experiences shutting themselves away from your loved ones, friends, and even online friends when depressed? I want to apologize to you all whenever I don't reply to a thread. It's not that I am not interested, it's just that sometimes I feel it is better for me to hide my pain and I feel like everyone can see right through me when I write and have been told before that they can tell by the way I write when I am depressed. I feel that I don't want to burden you at most times, but felt I owedyou all for my disappearances from Pet Talk. What I do is just shut myself off from everyone. How many of you have the same problem now?
I've never been diagnosed with anything, but I know I've suffered from bouts of depression (not sure if that's technically really what it is) for a long time. It's more of a self loathing, or constant anxiety and it's always in the back of my head. I've never not been able to function (I have to go to work - so I keep going), but I do seem to sabotage and self destruct every 2 years or so (I've done some pretty extreme things I don't want to get into...but if you need someone to talk to, please e-mail me - [email protected]) - Probably about once a week, to once a month, I'll go into extreme crying for a day or so and thinking only extreme negative thoughts (I'm a terrible person, no one loves me, etc.) for no reason and the hard part is it's impossible to turn it off. My bf thinks I can just train myself to think positively, but it's not like that. Truthfully I'm always thinking 'the worst' in my mind, but mostly I can hide it, but every so often I really show it and suffer an episode. It's like I know how I should be feeling and I tell myself to stop acting this way, but I can't.

I also have a serious problem with wanting to be social, or wanting to be around anyone other than my boys (by boys, I mean my cats ). This social phobia as the term is called now, prevents me from doing things like going to company christmas parties and family functions. It's not the not wanting to go that bothers me, cause I don't see anything wrong with being a 'loner', it's the fact that I know I'm obligated to go, sort of and I can't just shrug it off and say it's just a night - instead it's like a major trauma and panic the whole day. It just seems to get worse with time.

I know I seeing a dcotor would be wise, but I can't seem to build up the courage.

Anyways not to ramble or respond to your problems with my problems, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone and I do understand. I may not be able to know exactly how you are feeling as I'm not in your shoes, but I can offer an ear and the comfort of knowing you are not alone in your pain.