I remember being 14 and doing things that I shouldn't have done. I got into drinking and drugs, I was very depressed. I was trying to help my mom through her battle with cancer, I was trying to help my dad with money. I was working 3 jobs, all with friends. I would bring money home to give to my dad (which he hated but he knew he needed the money) for gas, food, medication for him and my mother. I would bath, dress, and drain my mothers tubes. I would clean the house and get food on the table all before my dad got home and all before my brother had to go to work. My opinion at the time was, my dad had to eat because he had diabetes, my mother had to eat to stay strong to fight her illness, and my brother had to eat so he could go to work, I had no reason why I had toe at. I always lied to my dad and told him that I ate to much at school and I wasn't hungry, when in fact I was.

I remeber being in a very bad car accident when I was 10 two weeks later I became a women with all the changes. The person I was in the accident with, she never took me to the hospital, she never let me call my mom to tell her what had happened. I had a concusion, and a headache, she gave me 2 adult tylonal, and I fell asleep, I woke up 2 hours later with her and her kids out of the house, they all went down to the pool. I was left alone in her house after I fell asleep. I went down to the pool figuring that is where they went because we were on our way to the beach when we got in the accident. I went down to the pool and she picked me up and through me into the pool and told me to stay there because i wanted to go swimming. I got dizzy and wanted to get out of the pool and go home she told me NO that I had to stay in the pool until she said it was time to get out. After about 12 hours after the accident she took me home. I never said a word to my parents about it because she was right there. I was afraid. I told my mom I was tired so I went to my room and went to sleep. At 3 am the next morning, I woke up and ran to my moms room. I fell on the floor holding my belly because I was in so much pain. She picked me up and rushed me to the hospital, I had to explain everything that had happened the day before not knowing weather or not she would be mad at me for not telling her sooner. I almost lost my life because of the women I was in the accident with. She never wanted to take me in to the hospital and she was a nurse at that. I never understood why she did that to me and even to this day I still don't know why.

When I was 17 my mom went to California to see her family, my dad had a reaction because he didn't eat on time. I sat there and fought with him asking what he ate and when, he kept giving me the same answer. I would ask if he ate and he would say yes, then I would ask what he ate and he would say nothing. After I looked into his eyes and they were grey I knew I had to do something. I had to force feed him. He spit on me, he yelled at me, he kicked me and he never knew what he was doing. My brother came in and grabbed a steak and went to walk out of the house and I asked him if he wanted to know what was wrong with dad and all he said is yea sure, but it looks like you have it under control. I didn't under stand why I had to do everything to keep my family going. If I wouldn't have fed my dad he wouldn't have stayed alive. He ended up dieing 3 weeks later.

I am still dealing with his death. People tell me all the time that I show no emotion at all. In my mind I do show emotion just not the way people want me to. I don't cry in front of other but I cry all the time in my room, I refuse to let my husband see me cry.

I have asked my whole life why me. Why do I have to take care of my family. Why couldn't my brother help, why why why. My answer is always the same. If I wasn't there to drain my mom's tubes she would have died. If I didn't give my dad money we all would have gone with out eating. If I didn't force feed my dad he woldn't have lived. Even with those answers I am still very depressed. I have good days and I have bad days.

Sorry my post is so long, I just needed to get some of this stuff off my chest, some of it I haven't talked about in years. Sorry I didn't give much advice.