“So Izzy. Do you at least understand where I’m coming from with this?” I asked. She
was too busy attacking lumps in the bedspread. I smiled.
“Well, we can pretend you do.” I said. I looked at my wrists. My wrists were
normal color, but the scars were definitely there. I looked around the room.
Searching for my weapon.
I knew Graham kept a pocketknife in one of his jackets. I looked in the closet,
through all of his pockets. I found nothing. I decided to sneak off to the bathroom to
see what I could find there.
I opened the bedroom door and heard the television. I tiptoed around the
corner and into the small but tidy bathroom. I rummaged through the drawers
knowing there were some razors around somewhere. Izzy was sniffing around the
room, attacking the strings at the end of the carpet.
“I’m glad at least you’re happy. Iz.” I said, continuing to look through the
drawers.
Finally I found a razor. I slipped it off of the plastic handle and looked at it.
This was like a diamond to a rich girl. I put the toilet cover down and sat down. My
hands were shaking with excitement. I hadn’t done it for so long, would I still feel the
way I used to? I looked down for Izzy. She was still playing with the rug.
I picked up the razor again and looked at it. I placed my wrist on the cool
porcelain of the sink. My hands started to sweat and the razor fell out of my hand. I
closed my eyes and took a deep breath and picked it up again. A little voice in my
head assured me I could do this.
I regripped the small razor in my hand. I placed it on my wrist carefully. Then
Izzy barked. My heart started pounding. Had she heard Graham coming or
something?
I took a glance over at her. She was just looking at me; like she was telling
me whatever I was doing was bad. I closed my eyes.
“Izzy please. I can’t play right now.” I said. I turned back to my wrists. I
pressed the razor harder on my skin. Izzy barked again, and I jumped, gashing my
arm harder and deeper than I had expected.
“Izzy! Damnit!” I yelled, and then covered my mouth.
“Kersey? Everything okay?” Graham asked from outside the door.
“Yes, she just… uh… nipped at my toes. It’s okay.” I said, rushing around the
bathroom, grabbing some toilet paper to cover my cut. Izzy walked over to the
bathroom door and sat down. She wouldn’t even look at me.
I started to pace around the bathroom. I was thinking about what Graham
would say when he found out. I started feeling lightheaded. I smiled. Just the effect I
was waiting for.
I put my hand on the sink but it slipped out from underneath me. I fell,
grabbing the shower curtain on my way down. Izzy jumped, and started to bark. I
remember falling into the bathtub, but I think I hit my head.
I woke up in the bedroom underneath the covers. I opened my eyes and took
the towel off my head. I had a massive headache. I closed my eyes again and when I
opened them, Graham was sitting on the end of the bed. I pulled my hand out from
under the covers and looked at my wrist. It was wrapped in an ace bandage.
Graham was just sitting on the end of the bed, staring off into space. I slipped
my hand back under the covers. Graham heard to sheets rustle. He looked at me,
but didn’t say anything. He just shook his head and got up. He went over to the
window and put his hands on the ledge.
“What happened?” I asked. I was pretty sure I knew what happened. I was
dizzy enough that I fell and must have knocked myself out.
“What happened?? Kersey, you cut yourself. And it wasn’t an accident. You
cut yourself, blood was everywhere, even the blood from your head. You fell into the
bathtub. That’s how you cut your head. You promised me you wouldn’t do this again
Kersey.” He said. Now it was my turn to be silent. I said nothing. I touched my head. I
hadn’t even realized I had cut my head.
“I’m sorry.” I said without even realizing it. “It’s a bad habit you can’t break.
You know, you went through it too, Graham. Bear with me. I’m trying.” I said, tears
welling up in the back of my eyes.
“I know Kersey. I’m sorry, but you can’t do shit like that anymore. You scared
me to death. I heard you fall and when I saw you covered in blood in the bathroom,
that’s not something you see and pass over. I was worried.” He yelled.
He grabbed his car keys off the dresser beside me.
“I just need to… to think.” He said, and left.
“Graham, what?!” I cried out. My head shot with pain and I quickly layed back
down. He was leaving me. He really was. I started to cry. The tears burned my
cheeks, and my head pounded. What would I do without him?
I must have cried myself to sleep, because Izzy woke me up needing to go
outside. I tossed the blanket aside, trying to recall what had happened. I sat there for
a minute on the edge of the bed trying to think. All I could remember was that
Graham was gone. I rubbed my red puffy eyes and continued to the door to let Izzy
out.
Izzy and I walked to the kitchen together. I made myself a cup of coffee and
proceeded to the door.
Izzy ran out and I sat on the steps. I thought about what would happen if
Graham came back. I guess you could call this our first official fight. I knew what
needed to happen.
I took the wrapping off my wrist. It was swollen and purple, just like every
other cut. I carefully massaged it, trying to make it less purple. I had to stop myself
from doing this. If it was tearing Graham and I apart, I needed to stop.
“Come on Izzy, let’s go.” I called out to the darkness. Nothing.
“Izzy, I’m not doing this, let’s go in.” I said. Still nothing. I stepped off the porch
onto the cool dewey grass. I called her name again, still nothing. I walked around the
yard, barefoot, searching for Izzy. I searched all around the house but found nothing. I
started to cry again, realizing I had just lost the two things that actually mattered to
me in life. Graham and Izzy.
I ran back into the house in tears. But then I stopped. I needed to get back
under control. I took a deep breath and went over my options. I could call Graham’s
parents and see if he was there, I could call my parents, but what would they do? I
sat on the couch and put my head in my hands. I had been too involved in my own
problems to worry about my own dog.
I went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. I sat at the kitchen table
and started tapping my fingers on the table. Then I heard a weird noise. It scared me
so I got up slowly. I tiptoed out of the kitchen and into the hallway. The noise was
coming from my bedroom and it sounded Iike someone trying to get in the house. I
was afraid; my hands were shaking and I was sweating. I peered into my room and
gasped.
There she was; perfectly fine, happy and cheerful, pulling on a sock that was
sticking out of my closet. It was stuck in a way that when she pulled on it, it pulled the
door forward, making a banging noise. She must have snuck in when I was going
over all my problems.
I just shook my head and sat on the bed. I was feeling lightheaded from both
cuts.
“You scared me to death, Iz. You little brat!” I joked with her. She stopped
chewing, looked up at me and cocked her head. You just had to laugh at her.
I pulled her up on the bed with me and turned out the light. She crawled under
the blanket with me and we went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and found a note on the bedside table. It was from
Graham. I opened it and read it outloud.
“I came home earlier and you were sleeping. I had to think a lot of things over.
I thought about you and I, and how we used to be.” I stopped reading. Used to be?
This wasn’t sounding good. I read on.
“I remember when we first met, when you ignored me at first. Then we got
together, and we were what everyone talked about for weeks. All this stuff was
running through my mind as I drove. I thought about the day I proposed to you, the
day you came home from the hospital.” I turned the page over.
“I love you and always will. I guess I’ve just been overwhelmed by the
incidents we’ve had with cutting. I’ve stopped and you need to too. I don’t want you
hurt more than you are. Please. I’m staying at my parents for a while. Please call me
soon. Love, Graham.”
I put the note down. He had read my mind. I was stopping. I had stopped
cutting yesterday the moment I fell.
I called him right away.
“Graham?” I asked quietly.
“Oh. Hi Kersey.” he said just as quiet.
“How are you? I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve been okay. Worried about you, but I’m okay. How are you? Your head?”
he asked.
“Fine, but a little sore.” Finally I got up the courage and told him how I felt.
“Graham, I really miss you. I need you here with me. I have stopped cutting. I
promise. I swear this time, I know I blew my last chance, but I promise. I miss you. I
need you here with me.” I said. I swallowed hard. This was not the time for crying.
Graham didn’t say anything for a few seconds.
“Well, I’m proud, Kersey. Do you still love me?” he asked, jokingly.
“Forever and always.” I said. And I really meant it.
Graham and I continued talking for a while about what all had happened in
the twenty-four hours he’d been gone. He told me when we hung up that he was
coming back home. I sat back on my bed and took a deep breath. I was happy he
was coming home.
I went and looked at my wedding dress in the closet. We had some plans for
what was happening; we would get married at the church where his parents were
married and have the reception at the local ballroom a few miles away.
Graham finally got home about an hour later. I ran up and hugged and kissed
him at the door. He took his hands in mine and he looked at me. He just had this
look in his eyes; I couldn’t really describe it, it was just this look that I knew things
would be okay from now on.
The days passed and our love only grew stronger. I think the “fight” was good
for us, it gave us a sense of what we meant to each other. Needless to say, we
we’re like the “old Kersey and Graham”.
The days dwindled down to our wedding. It was almost 3 weeks until the big
day. But I had this really weird feeling that I needed to check something. There was
a huge knot growing in my stomach because of it.
The next day I came up to Graham while he was at the kitchen table. My
hands were shaking, my forehead sweating. I didn’t know if he would be ready to
hear what I said. I sat down at the table across from him. I folded my hands and took
a deep breath. I opened my eyes again and looked over at him. He was staring at
me.
“What is the matter with you?” he asked me.
“I-I... I...” I stuttered. I closed my eyes again and regained my composure.
“Graham... we... I...” I stuttered again. I felt a lump in my throat.
“Kersey, please, what’s wrong?” he asked again, reaching across the table
and holding my hands in his.
I pulled something out from pocket of my jeans. It was a small box, about the
size of a necklace box or something. I slowly placed it on the table; my hand still
shaking, making the box make a rattling noise on the table. Graham didn’t reach for
it right away.
“What is this?” he asked, finally picking it up. I opened my mouth and tried to
say something, but nothing came out. He released my other hand to open the box. I
put my hands to my face and closed my eyes. I swallowed hard, debating whether I
was happy, scared, sad, afraid, whatever.
I peered through my fingers to see his emotions and reactions. He opened
the box and looked inside. Then he set the box down.
“This... what?” he asked, puzzled.
“Baby. That means I’m having a baby, Graham.” I managed to say. I looked at
him again. He had this mixed expression; happiness and disbelief. He sat there for
a few minutes and just stared at the box. Finally he looked up at me with a smile on
his face.
“Baby.” he said, still smiling. “Wow.” he whispered. I smiled back at him with
that same smile he gave me a few nights ago; the smile that told him it was okay.
We decided to make the announcement at our wedding reception. I needed
to go to the rehab center to tell everyone. Graham and I went the next day.
We walked in and right away noticed a total difference in the place. First off, I
didn’t see Shannon, Julie, or anyone I knew. There were plain old nurses in white
jackets. I looked at Graham.
“Excuse me, can I please see Eliza Brown?” I asked.
“Room 124.” the white-coated nurse replied in a monotone voice. Graham
and I showed ourselves the way.
“Everything is so... white.” he said, looking around. He had my hand wrapped
in his the whole walk to Eliza’s room. The walls had been painted white over their
original color of pale blue.