FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE, (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

- A backward poet writes inverse.

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

- Every calendar's days are numbered.

- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to be at.

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.