My Tasha is gone

[K9soul]

I’ve always known losing Tash would be extremely difficult, but I didn’t realize the true impact it would have on me. It’s amazing the insights that come to you about someone after they are gone. Losing Tasha wasn’t just losing a beloved dog, I’ve realized she was really my primary emotional support since I adopted her in March of 1999.

I’ve always had anxiety issues, and I used to struggle a lot with very poor self-esteem. Tasha was the first (and only) dog to fully attach herself to me, and only me. The way she is looking up at me in this photo, she didn’t look at anyone else that way. She would tolerate anything I asked of her, she would stay at my side even if I went somewhere frightening or unpleasant for her.

I had a bad bout of prolonged anxiety in summer 2012 with frequent panic attacks and unrelenting anxiety day after day. I would often go sit out on my deck steps and just sit there, heart pounding, trembling, trying to just “live” through it. Tasha always came with me, and never left my side. I could sit out there an hour, two hours. She stayed with me. She never even went to lie down, she just stood quietly next to me, and sometimes kiss my hand or my face.

You don’t truly realize what you have until it’s gone. I thought I knew, but living these past few days, the first time in over 15 years without her presence, I just didn’t fully realize it. I’m plagued with bursts of grief and guilt and doubts about what I did. I think to myself how she may still be with me. The logical part of me points out her deterioration and all the things that led to me deciding she was tired, and was hurting and anxious too much. But it’s hard. My mind plays the day over and I think, “How could I have done it?” And I remember watching her last 2 breaths, and I feel so sick. I have to accept she’s gone, but it’s so hard. And when I am feeling so terrible, and she is not there, her comfort is not there has it has been for so long, I feel even more horrible.

I’m writing some of this out to purge it from within me because it is just sitting there in my heart like a lead weight. I actually feel afraid, kind of set adrift without the one I always had to hold onto. I know all of this is selfish in regard to her, and the point she was at, but I just can’t help it. I feel like I’ll never experience again that kind of bond. She just intuitively seemed to know when I was suffering and was always there. It has left an immeasurable hole in my heart and in my life.

[lolli94]

I'm so sorry for your loss of Tasha. I've never lost a dog who meant so much to me. I dread the day I have to say goodbye to Lolli, because she is my 'heart dog', as Tasha was for you. But you WILL get through this! Make yourself eat, take your other dogs on a walk, and remember the happy times with Tasha, but don't forget how much she was suffering. Don't forget why you made that decision! And I understand, writing is how I sort out my feelings too! Big ((Hugs)) to you!!!

[Karen]

I hesitate to suggest this, but maybe a visit to the local shelter for some puppy therapy would help? You own dogs are likely grieving as much as you are.