Love like no others

[kadoka]

My life stopped one month ago...

I lost my little Asya, my pekingese dog, she was 16 years old, blind and deaf, and with arthritis problems, sometimes she took pain medicine but we were able to settle everything, I was completely devoted to making her last years as comfortable as possible: I cooked for her, gave her glucosamine and chondroitin supplements, she was still loving, eating, snoring in her sleep, and making funny noises when she dreamed... She was old, and she had difficulty walking, but I carried her everywhere, gave her massages and looked after her like she was my baby, I slept with her and held her in my arms every night to make her feel safe.... and had her in my mind all the time...
One month ago, I was out, and when I came home I found her smothered with tv and lamp cords, I dont know how she did that, she somehow embroiled herself in this cords and in panic she must have rotate over and over, and I was not there to save her.... I am so horrified and anguished thinking about her last minutes, I cannot get this out of my mind and am eating myself with so much guilt I cannot breath...
And still, after one month, I hate myself and I am immersed in self-loathing - I almost convinced mayself I am such a terrible person, because I let my dog down, I wasn't there to save her, and nothing matters any more.... I cannot think of anything good I did for her, I remember only the moments I was busy, I was not home, I was in a hurry, I was nervous, like all of these 16 happy years never happened... Will this ever stop? Is this normal?
I am not very good in english, and I cannot write anymore, I cry all the time... there is nothing left to say.... maybe we must believe what others say ..... that we gave our dogs everything and when its time to go nothing can stop it.... maybe the time passing will make things better.... I just cannot believe this right now.... as much people tell me its not my fault, I feel more and more smitten by guilt...

[Karen]

She had a good, long life with you.

Our condolences, and we know she is happy and healthy again at the Rainbow Bridge, waiting to greet you some day!

Try to remember the 16 good years, surely they mean more than that last sad day.

[Cataholic]

I am so sorry. Like Karen said, all those years before that day, you cannot let those be for nothing. Please don't self-loathe, it serves no purpose, and does not honor your special pup. Remember all the good times.

[mon]

I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss of your beloved Asya. You must mourn and grieve but I believe the love you shared was mutual and if things were reversed you would never want Asya to blame her beautiful self for such a tragic accident. No, never! Please be gentle and kind to yourself, your love will never, ever end. Bless your heart.

[kadoka]

Thank you for all your kind responses!

I miss you so much, and love you forever. Forgive me for not saving you! You were the most important being to me, and that will never change!

My beautiful baby grandma, almost 16.

[Bonny]

Kadoka I am sorry this happened to you & your sweet Asya. Life is never sure for anyone or anything at anytime. You just never know when things are going to happen & if you are going to be in the right place at the right time or the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't blame yourself, find peace in knowing you & Asya have had a wonderful life together.

[Asiel]

No matter how vigilant we are there are always accidents that can happen and this was just one of those ...a pure accident and had nothing to do with you being responsible. You shared so many good years together, try to remember just the good memories in honour of the love your little pup gave you---she would be very unhappy to see you so distressed. She knew how much you loved and cared for her and you gave her the best that you could.

[bevrice]

Asya remembers how you loved and cared for her so much. I know it is hard to get passed what happened and it will always be in the back of your mind. You have to leave it in the back of your mind and lock it away. Bring forth the memories of the good times, the funny things Asya did, and allow your love for her and her love for you take over your thoughts. I can relate to guilt of not having done something or enough; many of us who lose our furry family members wish we could go back and do things differently. You did nothing wrong; it was just a tragic occurrence. Asya loves you and is safe and happy frolicking with her new friends over the Rainbow Bridge. She awaits the day when both of you will meet again. It's hard, but please remember the good times.

[Lady_Wolfe15]

Hi, I am brand new here but read your post and wanted to comment. I am so sorry for your loss. I've had to give up 9 dogs over the past 32 years and it never gets any easier. I loved each one so much and felt like my heart had been pulled out at each loss...........I found out tho that only a piece of it at a time was taken and when the next baby appeared it moved right in and homesteaded its own piece of my heart. You never get over it but it does get a little easier with time.

[Lady_Wolfe15]

Accidents happen no matter how careful we are Kodaka. I, like you am super protective of my babies but one of them slipped down and broke his leg in January, went into cardiac arrest at the Animal Emergency Room and left me............if I just hadn't let him get up, if I had just caught him.......all those thoughts went thru my mind. One thing I do know tho, Ghost knew I loved him with all my heart. He was a 13 year old shepherd and had lived a good life. I now just thank God for letting me have him for 13 years and for sending him to me to begin with. Asya was blessed to have someone who loved her so much and she lived to a ripe old age. She loved you and would not want you to blame yourself I am sure and one day you will get to see her again. Just think of all those puppy kisses she will have saved up.