"Helicopter" parenting

[kuhio98]

I'm with you Karen. In this case, too much involvement.
My mother went with me for my first job interview. She had to as I had no driver's license.
But, she ordered a cup of coffee and sat on the other side of the restaurant while I interviewed.

[sparks19]

I don't see the big deal. It's not like the parent sat IN on the interview. So she talked to some employees. It's not like she pulled the manager aside and talked her up to him or again... sat IN the interview. I don't really see anything wrong with what she did. My mom helped me with my very first application to a job because I asked for her help. I'd never filled out an application before. She (or my dad) also drove me to my interviews if she could because I didn't drive... I didn't even go for my license until I was 28 years old. I used public transportation to get to and from my jobs (or walked) but usually for my first visit to an establishment my mom would drive me and wait for me.

Actually, I remember one time when I was interviewing for a job doing singing telegrams, my mom drove me and when the owner came out to tell me she was ready to interview me she said to my mom "Are you mom? come on in and sit with us. it won't take long". it was a very informal interview and the three of us (my future boss, myself and my mom) ended up sitting and chatting together for a while after the interview. My future boss seemed very pleased that I had an ACTIVE parent in my life and wasn't like "Oh man... MOMS here... how passé"

I can remember times interviewing at fast food places as a teen and my dad would drive me and the manager would have the interview right out in the middle of the restaurant. My dad never sat in on an interview but he was sitting in the restaurant somewhere waiting for me or usually he was up chatting with the employees because he is a TALKER... big time lol. He's a chatty guy and pretty much everywhere I worked Everyone always knew my dad by name lol. When I worked at a coffee shop they would have a coffee ready for him when he came in lol.

I agree with Cataholic, we have more trouble with parents who just want to check out completely and do NOTHING with their kids or to help them out that I think THIS should be refreshing. This is not helicopter parenting. I've seen helicopter parenting and this isn't it lol. I've seen parents actively engage managers and run the interview for their child.

I don't know that as a manager that I would be looking for a young teen who is completely independent over a teen who has a support system and parents who are going to care about the child doing the job they were hired for.

[Cataholic]

I agree with Cataholic, we have more trouble with parents who just want to check out completely and do NOTHING with their kids or to help them out that I think THIS should be refreshing. This is not helicopter parenting. I've seen helicopter parenting and this isn't it lol. I've seen parents actively engage managers and run the interview for their child.

I don't know that as a manager that I would be looking for a young teen who is completely independent over a teen who has a support system and parents who are going to care about the child doing the job they were hired for.

Of course, I agree with you, as you agree with me. He he he.

My son goes to an inner city school (Cincinnati Public). There are plenty of kids there- in his actual classroom, without active parents, that apparently have had their kids do their own laundry starting with pre-k, pack their own lunches, and essentially walk to school both ways, up hill. I guess I say to those parents, "Bravo. Good luck with all that, I have my fingers crossed for your child". I prefer to actively parent. Lead by example, help out, assist, make life easier for my child. I still make my 9 year old's bed. And remind him to brush his teeth. I know what junior high and high school I want him to go to, and I am putting things in place now to make that happen. There is no doubt in my mind I will send out requests for college applications and fill out the FAFSA for him. I have very high expectations for him, and he works very hard to achieve *my* expectations. I won't leave things to chance. He has plenty of time to fail as an adult, and we all know plenty of failing adults. LOL.

This was how my 7 siblings and I had it growing up. I didn't have to work from the time I was 10, I got an allowance (aka, free money). I played sports and was supported by my parents 100%. My 'job' was to do well in school. Oddly enough, we all turned out (largely paid for by my parents)college educated (and then some), home owning, job holding, law-abiding, laundry-doing citizens. We volunteer, support charities, help out, have close relationships, and oddly, parent our children the same way. We must be the anomoly. Come to think of it. All my friends and peers had it the same way. The school of hard knocks has plenty of time to happen...

As to chatting up an employee about how great a child the child is? Goodness...I consider that my honor, duty and right as a parent. How sad to think that some consider that helicopter parenting.

[Bonny]

My mother didn't have enough time to do anything for me ( she was a chronic house cleaner) & I was basically was on my own when it came to getting a ride to the unemployment office to apply for my first job. It was not a safe ride either. Russell a hood from Chicago who was living up the street with a family was good enough to drive me up to St. Paul to the employment office. I took a bunch of tests while he waited for me & then he drove me back home & he skipped out of town because the police wanted to talk to him. I ended up going to my first job interview by myself (took the city bus this time) & got the job. I was a whole 18 years old then.

Anyhow it can go either way in my book. You can do everything for a child & they may not learn a darn thing, or you can do nothing & hopefully they will learn something.

[RICHARD]

My mother didn't have enough time to do anything for me ( she was a chronic house cleaner) & I was basically was on my own when it came to getting a ride to the unemployment office to apply for my first job. It was not a safe ride either. Russell a hood from Chicago who was living up the street with a family was good enough to drive me up to St. Paul to the employment office. I took a bunch of tests while he waited for me & then he drove me back home & he skipped out of town because the police wanted to talk to him. I ended up going to my first job interview by myself (took the city bus this time) & got the job. I was a whole 18 years old then.

Anyhow it can go either way in my book. You can do everything for a child & they may not learn a darn thing, or you can do nothing & hopefully they will learn something.

Ummm, It's none of my business but, What happened to Russell the Hood and do you ever think/thank him for what he did for you?

---------------------

When I first got out into the workforce, my drama/spanish lit teach pulled me aside and said, "Do you need a job for the summer, I know the EEO coordinator at a hospital up the street, go talk to her....."

I went in and spoke to her and said, "Mr Duran sent me over to talk to you about a job."

She told me that I was the only one from my high school who had come by and I was hired, show up on July 5!

I could have gone to work as a laborer taking bricks off a conveyor belt or as a stockperson in a toy store - my parents both could have easily got me a job, but I was so proud and happy that I did it on my own, I never looked back and made sure that I hustled to keep my job.

[smokey the elder]

I'm not saying don't help your children and advise them. But like LH said there is a spectrum of assistance and some parents (IMO) go too far one way ("Son (or daughter)...you're on your own!") or the other, as in the OP's example.

[kuhio98]

...
I could have gone to work as a laborer taking bricks off a conveyor belt or as a stockperson in a toy store - my parents both could have easily got me a job, but I was so proud and happy that I did it on my own, I never looked back and made sure that I hustled to keep my job.

That's been my experience too. When is "helping" really not being helpful in the long run? My example: We have a friend who is a single parent of twin girls. When they were children she "helped" them with every task. She had them on a strict schedule of school, homework etc. She set a timer and they had to brush their teeth or brush their hair or do their homework until the timer went off. She had them start their homework over if they made a mistake because she didn't want it to be messy with erasure marks. She said it was her job as a parent to make sure they did not make mistakes.

They grew up to be frightened, insecure, nervous wrecks. They were so afraid of making a mistake that they didn't even know how to think for themselves. We had them to our house for a sleepover when they were 10 or 11 or so. They did not know how to play. They needed us to give them specific instructions on what to do every moment or else they freaked out. We asked them to put on a play for us. They looked at us like deer in the headlights. They asked us what the play should be about. We told them to make it up. More startled stares. Finally, they gave up and said that they couldn't think of anything on their own. I thought their spirits and immagination were crushed and would never recover.

But, there was some determination left in them that their mother hadn't managed to damage. So, they went off to college as far away from their mother as they could get. They made huge, life changing mistakes because they had no experience in making little mistakes and recovering from them. They had no ability to recover from mistakes at all. They did not have the confidence that comes from making mistakes, dealing with them, recovering from them, etc.

They are getting out of college now. They have no relationship with their mother. They blame her for their obsessive/complusive disorders. Their eating/food issues. Their paralyzing fear of trying something new. Their lack of confidence.

I do see glimmers of hope, though. One of the twins has applied to become a police officer. (She is obviously drawn to rules and structure). She gave us the affidavit paperwork to fill out as character witnesses. She said she was not giving it to her mother because she had "helped" enough and made her life a real misery.

This example may seem extreme, but my point is, don't help and save your children from making mistakes. Let them make mistakes as children so that they can learn, recover and grow from them. Don't rob them of the chance to make mistakes and gain self-confidence and self-assurance. Let them have successes on their own -- without your help and interference. That momentary childhood pain could help save them from a lifetime of unhappiness if they become insecure and frightened adults.

I hope that in time the twins will see that their mother did the best she knew how to do.

And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Mother (Cathryne) and Father (Donald) for letting me make mistakes, get dirty, screw up, take my punishment and learn from my mistakes. You gave me such a wonderful gift even though I may not have thought so at the time. You showed your confidence in me by letting me fail at times. And because of that, I gained confidence in myself and my abilities. Thank You!

[RICHARD]

And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Mother (Cathryne) and Father (Donald) for letting me make mistakes, get dirty, screw up, take my punishment and learn from my mistakes. You gave me such a wonderful gift even though I may not have thought so at the time. You showed your confidence in me by letting me fail at times. And because of that, I gained confidence in myself and my abilities. Thank You!

What a great tribute.

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I remember hearing the old line about 'This is hurting me more than it's going to hurt you......'

I thought, "Yeah right, I am the one getting me arse polished....."

It wasn't until years later that I figured it out.

It hurt my mom that she had to correct my stupidity.

It hurt her because I was a 'product' of her parenting. She had to correct that 'malfunction' because it reflected on her parenting skills and she wasn't going to to let me run about like a little savage.

[Bonny]

Ummm, It's none of my business but, What happened to Russell the Hood and do you ever think/thank him for what he did for you?

---------------------

When I first got out into the workforce, my drama/spanish lit teach pulled me aside and said, "Do you need a job for the summer, I know the EEO coordinator at a hospital up the street, go talk to her....."

I went in and spoke to her and said, "Mr Duran sent me over to talk to you about a job."

She told me that I was the only one from my high school who had come by and I was hired, show up on July 5!

I could have gone to work as a laborer taking bricks off a conveyor belt or as a stockperson in a toy store - my parents both could have easily got me a job, but I was so proud and happy that I did it on my own, I never looked back and made sure that I hustled to keep my job.

I never saw Russell again. Yes, I thanked him. I was grateful Russell gave me a ride up to the unemployment office & back home safely. I never did ask him what he had done to have the police looking for him. I hope he made it back to Chicago safely & life has treated him good because he was good person. I have run into a lot of great people in my life who have helped me along the way & Russell was one of them. I bet your drama/spanish lit teacher has to be one of those great people in your life too.

[Cataholic]

I shake my head at some of the stories that come up on this forum. If you find yourself in situations where you ONLY know weirdos, you might want to re-think your circle of contacts.

[Lady's Human]

It's not your scholarship app, FAFSA, or college application, it's HIS.

I get tired of seeing science fair projects done by parents (oops, projects with parents assisting.......) when kids who did their own research and experimentation get low scores because their presentation was at grade level instead of being done on daddy's workstation.

You ARE a helicopter parent, of course you don't see any issues with it.

[Cataholic]

I absolutely DO consider myself an overly involved parent. And, my child will reap the benefits of that.

I will give my child every single advantage that I can. And, if you decide to NOT do that for your child, that is OK. But, it is an incredibly competitive world out there. In sports, school, employment, etc. To pretend otherwise is done so at your child's peril. The choices are to join the world as it currently exists, or bemoan the point, and stay stuck in the 1980s (my best guess as to when you might have graduated high school).

If EVERY (or most) kid's science projects are done at daddy's workshop, and they score high, and your kid doesn't- you have a choice there. I know what MY choice would be. Just like in sports. If I *stink* at basketball (and I do), and I want my child to play BB at a higher level, I can continue to work with him and hinder his ability to succeed, OR, I can get him with the right people and have him excel. To suggest I let him flounder, because some other person might call me a HP is simply inane. I care about one thing- MY child's success. If Johnny next door has a parent that wants the school of hard knocks to teach him? Great. Better opportunity for my child to succeed.

I force my child to brush his teeth, to get physical exercise, I pick out his clothes if I deem him dressed inappropriately. I tell him when to go to sleep, to read more, to do math facts, etc. I don't believe in just halting these things, and as life gets MORE difficult, with MORE important decisions, choices, I absolutely will be there.

[Karen]

Actually, Cataholic, this conversation brings to mind a former coworker of mine I haven't seen in many years. She was such an overly involved parent in her daughter's life that, when that daughter was a mother of three young children herself, and her house was on fire, she called her mother before she called 911 or the fire department! When I heard her mother fairly shouting, "Wendy, hang up with me and call 9-1-1!" more than once, I knew that was a bad sign!* I am sure you are raising Jonah to call 9-1-1 in an actual emergency!

*Thankfully, the fire was just in the top floor, and the children were not injured apart from some smoke inhalation, my coworker called 9-1-1 herself after she hung up with her daughter, just in case!

[mrspunkysmom]

Actually, Cataholic, this conversation brings to mind a former coworker of mine I haven't seen in many years. She was such an overly involved parent in her daughter's life that, when that daughter was a mother of three young children herself, and her house was on fire, she called her mother before she called 911 or the fire department! When I heard her mother fairly shouting, "Wendy, hang up with me and call 9-1-1!" more than once, I knew that was a bad sign!* I am sure you are raising Jonah to call 9-1-1 in an actual emergency!

*Thankfully, the fire was just in the top floor, and the children were not injured apart from some smoke inhalation, my coworker called 9-1-1 herself after she hung up with her daughter, just in case!

This is my concern. If the parents are overly involved, Helping or placing too many restrictions, you get one of two scenarios. The one above where the child remains dependent on the parent or a rebellious child. Neither is good.

I have students in my classroom that can only behave when you re super strict or even mean. They don't know how to manage their own behavior and make decisions. If they are not forced to follow some explicitly stated rules, they run amok.

No one has taught them how to manage their actions or make decision based upon the environment.

That mother was overdoing it a bit.

just my two cents.

[Lady's Human]

If EVERY (or most) kid's science projects are done at daddy's workshop, and they score high, and your kid doesn't- you have a choice there. I know what MY choice would be.

My choice is to go to the school board meetings and get the schools to clamp down on projects done out of a can or with parents blatantly doing most of the work.

My son's science project this year is entirely his idea, he's going to do the work, I'm contributing 1 gauge and some time to the effort.

My daughter's science project will involve communication with Osearch to answer question she has for them about their work tracking great whites.

Their grades aren't important to me, as the science fair is extra credit, and frankly, neither child needs the extra credit.

The day I do the bulk of the work for them is the day satan skis. However, you can look around the science fair and easily pick out which projects were the result of the child doing the work and which was the result of the parents.

They are both well in advance of their grade levels on science and math, and they have gotten their mainly on their own. I've assisted, and directed their studying, but I will never give them an answer. They have the tools, they can find the answers themselves.