A ventriloquist goes into a tavern in a small town, takes a seat
at the bar, and puts a small dog on the seat next to him.
"Give me a beer," the man says to the bartender. Then he turns to
his dog and asks, "What would you like?"

"You can bring me the same," the dog says. "And I'd like mine very
cold, please."

The bartender can hardly believe what he has just heard. "A
talking dog?" he asks.

"Yes," the ventriloquist says, acting as if it's nothing
special. "I worked hard to teach him and finally he just started
talking."

"What a boon that would be to my business," the bartender thinks
to himself. He says to the ventriloquist, "I'll give you $50 for
him."

"No," says the ventriloquist. "The little fellow loves me very
much, and it would hurt him if I were to sell him."

"I'll give you $100," the bartender says.

"No, I couldn't part with him for so little."

"OK, I'll make it $5,000," the bartender says.

The ventriloquist gives it some thought and finally says, "OK,
he's yours."

The bartender gets the money from his safe and hands it to the
ventriloquist. In the door, the ventriloquist turns to the dog and
says with great sadness in his voice, "So long, old friend."

"Old friend, my foot!" the dog says. "Is this the way humans pay
for love and fidelity? I'll never say another word!"

With that, the ventriloquist goes to his car and speeds off.

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A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."