My beloved, beautiful Tommy

[K9soul]

Thank you everyone. There is a sense of finality about it all having him home. I am relieved in that, though the hole he filled in my home gapes so deeply still.

Alysser, thank you for mentioning the book. That has actually been in my Amazon recommendations since I read 'A Big Little Life,' which is about Dean Koontz's golden retriever.

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

[K9soul]

I feel like the hurt and tears will never end. I feel like I should be getting better, and instead I'm getting worse. Just don't know how to deal with it. I want the memories and visuals that keep popping into my mind to just stop.

[ChrisH]

It just takes a long time, Jess. {{hugs}}There is no easy way through, just hug the two that remain and let the tears flow. I've been through loss, both canine and human way too often and what I have come to know is that in time the tears will lessen, and the memories will give comfort instead of pain.

Please don't think because I am planning on giving a home to another dog I don't understand. Tears flow for my Bobs many times a day as I am caught by a memory and wish that I could hug that maddening silly boy just one more time.

[K9soul]

Oh Chris, I don't think badly of you at all for looking for a new friend to adopt. I wish I could too but I already have the 2 girls and things have already been tight, I need to make sure I can keep meeting their needs so it is not the right time for me to try and add on more.

The memories of him hurt but it's that sudden illness, the last few hours of his life that haunt me so badly. Of seeing him there, wanting to see his chest rise and fall with breath and knowing it never would again. His eyes as he looked up into my face before I left the vet's office, touching my cheek with his nose. I had no idea it was the last time I'd see him alive. I wish I could have held him longer. His toys lay around here untouched. Like they are dead too. It's so torturous.

I have had losses previously, but none so suddenly and shockingly. I just feel horribly depressed. I look at the girls and for the first time see how they lack things that Tommy fulfilled for me. Isn't that horrible? I need to sit down and write a list of all their special features and quirks. I just wish I could go back to feeling numb again.

[tatsxxx11]

I'm so comforted knowing that Tommy is back home with you, Jess, home where he belongs. I'm going to watch your 2nd video now. I know, as with the first, I will cry. But along with the sad tears, perhaps some happy ones as well this time, remembering what a joyful, unconditionally loving soul he was, thinking back on some of those happy times you and he shared over the years...his logs!
I know you're still hurting so badly, Jess. But you have him home now, and I hope that brings you some peace...and you have us to lean on; don't forget that.
Thinking of you every day, and sending you my love and support, dear friend.

[ChrisH]

Oh Chris, I don't think badly of you at all for looking for a new friend to adopt. I wish I could too but I already have the 2 girls and things have already been tight, I need to make sure I can keep meeting their needs so it is not the right time for me to try and add on more.

The memories of him hurt but it's that sudden illness, the last few hours of his life that haunt me so badly. Of seeing him there, wanting to see his chest rise and fall with breath and knowing it never would again. His eyes as he looked up into my face before I left the vet's office, touching my cheek with his nose. I had no idea it was the last time I'd see him alive. I wish I could have held him longer. His toys lay around here untouched. Like they are dead too. It's so torturous.

I have had losses previously, but none so suddenly and shockingly. I just feel horribly depressed. I look at the girls and for the first time see how they lack things that Tommy fulfilled for me. Isn't that horrible? I need to sit down and write a list of all their special features and quirks. I just wish I could go back to feeling numb again.

Oh, Jess, {{hugs}} of course you wouldn't even think of adopting another dog, and as for comparing your girls to Tommy, I think it is a most natural thing to do. I had 3 dogs once upon a time and each one had a different personality and the pain of the loss of each one caused was unique to them.

The sorrow that is bowing you down now is understandably so very hard to cope with, I'm sure the suddenness alone would lay any one of us lower than low in spirit. I only wish I could ease it for you in some way. Know I am here for you and you are in my prayers and thoughts. xxx

[Kater]

Jess, I am so very sorry to hear of Tommy's unexpected departure from this world. The pain of losing a loved one is like none other. I wish I could give you a big hug in person. Please take care during this most challenging time. Hang on to those girls of yours and squeeze them tight.

[K9soul]

Every little detail keeps replaying in my mind and it's so hard to turn my thoughts away from it. When he was standing and receiving fluids I was holding his head against my chest and he leaned into me. The vet was talking to me and telling me that his blood tests wouldn't be back until evening, and that they would be watching him in the main area all day. That if the tests weren't back and I felt I wanted to bring him home overnight I could do that. I remember telling her that if he was doing better I would do that, but if he was still really weak and sick it would be better for him not to move him around so much. I went out to the car and got a comforter that he laid on when he went for rides, and put it in the kennel and helped get him settled. There was a little female golden in the kennel next to him and I remember feeling oddly comforted that he'd be near another golden. She was quiet and sleepy, maybe coming out of anesthesia.

When she called me later and said his condition was worsening with more vomiting of dark bile and recommended exploratory surgery, I even felt some relief then. They could go in and find what was wrong, do something to help him feel better. She called after the surgery and told me what they found, explaining that he'd need to stay the night but that I could come visit him and they were open until 7, and we talked a little about the next steps to take and that we were still waiting for his blood tests. I waited awhile then.. because I knew he'd be under still from anesthesia and I thought I'd just give him a little time first before showing up, but it was hard. I wanted to go right then and just hold him even if he was still out.

Well right when I was standing up with the intention of going ahead to go see him, maybe 45-60 minutes later.. I can't remember how much time, that's when the phone rang. And he was gone. Just like that. They couldn't revive him.

And some cruel part of my mind keeps imagining how it might have been if I had said to wait on surgery and just treat his symptoms, or if I had gone right after the first call, maybe I could have at least been with him before he left. When she said the surgery was done I wanted to see him right then more than anything in the world, but I made myself wait just awhile.

He should still be here carrying his precious toys around and putting his head in my lap for pets. Not sitting on a shelf. Not gone.

[dukedogsmom]

Its hard for us not to feel guilt or to think "what if". But you can't torture yourself like that, though I know exactly how you feel. When they were trying to take Duke back to put the catheter in his leg, he didn't want to go and his tail was tucked. That image haunts me to this day and still hurts. I'm so sorry you weren't able to be with Tommy when he passed. But I'll tell you it doesn't make it easier. Just take comfort in knowing that Tommy was so loved by you and he knew it. A little piece of your heart will always carry him until you can be reunited. If I didn't believe that myself, I swear I don't know how I'd keep living. Time will make it easier but it does take a while. Love on your girls and let them take some of the sadness away, if even for a few short minutes.

[SadButGrateful]

Please don't beat yourself up with all the "what ifs" Tommy didn't revive from the surgery because he was very sick. It would only have been a matter of time. You would have had to make the decision to let him go...at least that decision was made for you. The vets know what they are doing. I'm sure they did all they could. It was just his time...
As far as the memories...I went through that about Rusty. Oh it hurt! I didn't know I could cry so hard. Then I woke up one morning, about a week after he passed, feeling terribly guilty about feeling so sad! It hit me that he never did anything to make me sad! He only gave me wonderful and joy-filled memories. I want to keep those memories in my heart and smile. I want to cherish them! Sure it hurts, but I won't let those memories go no matter how much it hurts sometimes.
I guess it's personal. Nobody can tell you how to feel. I'll end with a quote from Carolyn Scott about her dog, Rookie....
(they were the most famous canine freestyle team in the world)

"The only pain or sadness you ever brought me…..was the day you left me."

[K9soul]

Thank you for your comforting words, Val and SBG. I feel like I've begun accepting it more again. Not less sad, not missing him any less, but at least coming to terms more that it has happened. I thought I had before but seemed to relapse into not accepting. It is just very difficult.

I'm familiar with Rookie and Carolyn, have enjoyed watching them in the past. Her words certainly ring true.

[Varga]

I'm so sorry for not seeing this earlier but I still wanted to extent my sympathies to you for your loss. I always loved seeing photos of your girls and handsome Tommy. I especially remember one photo of him standing in the snow with a huge tree log in his mouth. He seemed like such a gentle and loving dog.

All the best to you.

[beeniesmom]

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. I'm crying for your loss.

[cloverfdx]

Jessica you have been in my thoughts .

SBG your last post has me in tears, it is so so true.

[tikeyas_mom]

Thank you for your comforting words, Val and SBG. I feel like I've begun accepting it more again. Not less sad, not missing him any less, but at least coming to terms more that it has happened. I thought I had before but seemed to relapse into not accepting. It is just very difficult.

I'm familiar with Rookie and Carolyn, have enjoyed watching them in the past. Her words certainly ring true.

Im so sad to read this! Im soooo sorry Jessica. Its like no other pain in the world when your best friend dies- your dog... i am still aching from Tikeyas death. I will keep you in my thoughts, Tommy was such a good Golden boy, and one of my favorite PT pups as well.. Your video was beautiful, i wished I had the knowledge to make something like that for Tikeya. It brought me to tears.. Again I am so sorry for your loss