Every little detail keeps replaying in my mind and it's so hard to turn my thoughts away from it. When he was standing and receiving fluids I was holding his head against my chest and he leaned into me. The vet was talking to me and telling me that his blood tests wouldn't be back until evening, and that they would be watching him in the main area all day. That if the tests weren't back and I felt I wanted to bring him home overnight I could do that. I remember telling her that if he was doing better I would do that, but if he was still really weak and sick it would be better for him not to move him around so much. I went out to the car and got a comforter that he laid on when he went for rides, and put it in the kennel and helped get him settled. There was a little female golden in the kennel next to him and I remember feeling oddly comforted that he'd be near another golden. She was quiet and sleepy, maybe coming out of anesthesia.

When she called me later and said his condition was worsening with more vomiting of dark bile and recommended exploratory surgery, I even felt some relief then. They could go in and find what was wrong, do something to help him feel better. She called after the surgery and told me what they found, explaining that he'd need to stay the night but that I could come visit him and they were open until 7, and we talked a little about the next steps to take and that we were still waiting for his blood tests. I waited awhile then.. because I knew he'd be under still from anesthesia and I thought I'd just give him a little time first before showing up, but it was hard. I wanted to go right then and just hold him even if he was still out.

Well right when I was standing up with the intention of going ahead to go see him, maybe 45-60 minutes later.. I can't remember how much time, that's when the phone rang. And he was gone. Just like that. They couldn't revive him.

And some cruel part of my mind keeps imagining how it might have been if I had said to wait on surgery and just treat his symptoms, or if I had gone right after the first call, maybe I could have at least been with him before he left. When she said the surgery was done I wanted to see him right then more than anything in the world, but I made myself wait just awhile.

He should still be here carrying his precious toys around and putting his head in my lap for pets. Not sitting on a shelf. Not gone.