Our PT joke thread

[Grace]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man

gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, is standing in the pouring rain, is

asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3:00 on the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked the wife

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks.

“No I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it’s pouring rain out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says the wife.

“Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still here?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer. “do you still need a push?” call out the husband. “yes, Please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

[wombat2u2004]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[cassiesmom]

A gentle Halloween joke...

Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!

[Louie and me]

A man turned on his computer and was horrified to read:
YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH THE AMISH VIRUS!!!!!
Until he read:
Since the Amish don't have computers, this virus depends on the honor system. Please start deleting all your files immediately.
Thank you.

[momcat]

A gentle Halloween joke...

Q: What did the ghost find in his bag lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich!

Hi Elyse,

Q: What do ghosts like to eat for breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties and evaporated milk.

[wombat2u2004]

Two Aussies, Bob and Wombat, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Wom stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the
lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Wom immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean
into Fosters beer."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Bob looked disgustedly at Wom whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Bob said,
"Nice going Wom! ........Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[SWHouston]

Walter and Thibodeaux had served in the Military together, but when they got out, Walter returned to Colorado, and Thibodeaux to southern Louisiana.

One day, Walter was reading the paper, and saw where they had widened the Bayous for two way traffic, in the Parish that Thibodeaux lived in, and called him.

Tee-Boy, Walter ask, WHY in the world have ya'll been widening your Bayous,
those Pirogue you row around in, aren't that big !

Shoenough Walt, Thibodeaux said, it ain't for de Pirogue,
it be fo de Alligators !



Have a good Day !
S.W.

[Grace]

This should prove helpful to everyone -


Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.